Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start August 29, 2008

” And I bet, and you exploded in my heart”

<3333 the killers

Today was the best day of my life. Also a day for a first. A first kiss. A beautiful kiss. so nervous I though I would die. It was amazing. Today was just….wonderful…great….exstatic…..perfect. i feel so many different emotions and all are good. I am just so alive. I feel like Im healing. That hole in my chest is slowly filling again. It feels great. Tristan Allen makes me happier than anything else in the world. I walked around smiling all day. Everyone thought I was high. Ina sence I was. I was high off of happiness. Im in a cloud and right now i refuse to come down. He is like my other half in a sence to me. I dont know if it meant to him what it meant to me. But that will always be the kiss I remember. Always. Ill never forget it. even when im like 80 years old with like demensia or something. Its etched into my brain. He is different from anyone else I have ever daed. he makes me have feelings I didnt know exsisted. He makes me have hope…wow Im babbling. right now, Im going to keep babbling though. because right now I feel like Im about to explode with happiness. I just…it was great. We talked and talked. Laughed about everything. Talked about everything under the sun. I didnt want to get out. I wished time would stand still just so I could be with him in that car and talk with him until we ran out of things to talk about. we never do though. ever. I just feel so…..wow. I feel amazed. Shocked. On top of the world. On a cloud. happy. Happy is the word. I am more than happy. but happy means something. Something has changed. I couldnt come down today. I still cant. I wont come down. its just…great. wonderful. perfect yet again. With him I feel like nothing could ever pull me down. With him I feel safe. I trust him. he doesnt push for anything. he doesnt even ask for it. Which makes me happy. Most guys i have dated would have dumped me by now. i dont put out until I am ready. And that takes a while. And honestly I dont think he would leave me because of that. I feel like Im only half a person and he is my other half. I think i have always been half a person. and i knew something was missing. I just didnt figure it out. Not until I met him. Its crazy. I know. but its how I feel.

Also On this glorious day

I got a mp3 player for free thanks to mr. TC. He gave me his old one. His friend taylor gave him his old one. I was happy. I got like 3 or 4 one hundreds today. That made my day even better. I walked around in the clouds all day. Honestly i dont think its mania. I think Im truely happy. I think my life is getting into place. I designed for the first time in three weeks today. My book is comming along great. Im going to add alot more before I post the entire thing again. Im going to make a page for that though. I felt pretty today. That was a first.  I was laughing at my own thoughts all day. That was hillarious before I would laugh for no reason that anyone else could fiigure out. I woul get butterflies when I would think about tristan. I usually do. but today was serious butterflies. It was great. I had an asthma attack in first block and laughed my ass off even more after I could breath. Everyone seemed to be in a great mood today. That made it better too. I also realized that my need for someone to hold me is gone. I got so many hugs this morning it was great. Even the one class I hate the most which was my first block class as enjoyable today. I had a blast. Today was blissful. plus I couldnt see the clock because of the bush was in the way [[LMFAO]]. I think only tristan will get that. I feel like dancing around and acting a fool. My step mom jut thinks I had a good day at school. which is great. that makes it all easier. My tooth isnt hurting much. the little it is is barable. plus I has oragel to numb it.  To some my day up in one sentence

Today was the best and most perfect day of my life

<333333333

The demon follows me right into the house of God August 28, 2008

“but then it swallows me and takes me to the lotus pod”

<3333 Dark Lotus

Pop a couple sleepin pill and try and relax

every time I dose off somethings breathin down my back

could it be the after life

or just a soul living inside of me…..

Sorry. I really love that song. Anyways, I dropped today. the cycle had to continue no matter how great things are. My happy high had to send me crashing down at somepoint. today was a good day for it i guess.

I also have a psychology project

i have to do acreat a survey

and i need to collect info

if you want to do it

here it is

psychology project survey

What is your age 14-15 16-17 18-19 What grade are you in? 9th 10th 11th 12th graduated Do you fit yourself into any of these catagories artist poet jock[[sports player]] “goth,alternative,emo,juggalo,….etc]] Forigen exchange other[[please specify]] Why did you choose this group of people to befriend? Do you and most of you friends have similar or same preferences on anything? If so, What do you have in common preferences? Do you usually converse with people your age? If not are they older or younger? An age range would be nice=] Tell me alittle about the group of peers you associate yourself with. NOTE** To anyone that does this thank you very much this is our first project and i really want to make a good grade =] you should all subscribe if you have an account these guys are great http://www.youtube.com/user/OhAndThisJustIn http://www.youtube.com/user/TinyTheBodyguard

But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd August 27, 2008

“Old mr. webster could never define
Whats being said between your heart and mine”

<333 alison krauss

Poem time!

then blog

What my dreams are made of

We lay under a tree

near the meadow

in the woods

A thin shadow covers us

You hold me in

your arms so tight

and sing to me

all through the night

Your embrace on me

your touch on my skin

sends an electric current

through my body

My love

your my everything

my love

your my life

I wish that for eternity

ill stay by your side

and will live everyday

always in your life

BLOG TIME!

So yeah….-sigh- everything is so hectic and feels so right at the same time. Im just so…..happy. I feel like this is right. We are right. Its all right. I have new feelings I have never had for someone. Its so strange but its just….great. I used to couldnt see myself older and in the future. then when I could I was always alone. Now its…..Im not alone. and my dreams are like that too. Always the future. always together….happy. I just feel so different. Like something about me has changed and I cant place my finger on it but its different.

Pushing grey Clouds prt.1 August 24, 2008

Chapter 1
3 Months 1 week
I found a paper plane on the side walk today. I picked it up and threw it in the trash. Regretting every minute after that for not saving it. That was a part of someone’s life that they just left behind and I helped them leave it. I disposed of a memory. That’s how it goes most of the time.
I hear my name called but realize that the woman saying it is talking to her child. “Claire”,she called to a tiny brown haired girl. She was in a sweet honey colored sweatshirt and tiny jeans. She looked so small and fragile. I wonder if I ever looked like that. If my mother ever called my name with so much kindness and love. I watch the mother embraces her child in a hug. I realize that I have stopped completely. I start walking again but the picture of the woman hugging her child with the same name as me is etched into my memory. Did my mother every hug me like that? I know she hugs me now, but was she ever as warm as that little girls mother seemed? I guess that’s where I get my coldness from. My mother is always a little cold towards me and my brother.
I see a group of children spinning in a circle. They chant an old nursery rhyme and fall to the ground. Ring around the Rosie I’m guess. They all get up and start spinning again. I remember back before my sister died when we were little. We would spin and sing that rhyme over and over. Every time we would fall down we would laugh harder and harder. Those were the good memories I have with Anna. Before she got sick. Before we both got sick.
Sometimes I wonder why I am here. Anna let her disorders take over her life. Why didn’t I? We had the same thing. Where her demons different than mine? Will I follow her footsteps later on in life? I think about those times I had with my inseparable twin and how until three months ago we had gone through so much together. Who can I go to now? Anna was like my life support. I should have been a better helper for her. Now I know how she must have felt. We both went through our cycles. While she was in the mania and I in the manic we would try to balance out. She would pick me up. When it was the other way around I would pick her up. Those were hard times but we always got through them.
I walk into the house and no one is home. That’s not unusual. My brother Marcus is probably at Katie’s apartment. Katie is his girlfriend. Ever since Anna died he spends more time there than home. I guess its hard to live with someone that has the dead girls face as her own. Mom comes and goes sparingly. She doesn’t stay around the house much since I’m almost old enough to be out on my own and Marcus is practically living with Katie now. She cant look me in the eyes anymore. I wonder how many times she wishes she hadn’t given birth to Anna and me. Does she regret passing on a hereditary gene to us. One that didn’t effect her or my brother. I’m not angry at her. I just wish I could be looked at like I was only me again.
I go into the kitchen and read the sticky notes on the fridge. Mom’s staying with grandma for the next few days and Marcus is at katies tonight. That means I have alone time. I could always call Dustin. He is the only one in the school that can still look me in the face. He would come stay with me tonight if I wanted him to. I don’t know if I want him to honestly see me like this. Today was a bad day. Lots of manic and not enough mania to balance. Too many panic attacks. Rapidly thinking too much. Today was one of those days. One of those days where I needed Anna and her mania to pull me out of the blue back into the grey. I think I will call Dustin after all. I could use his charm and love to distract me.
Every time he answers the phone he always speaks in such a beautiful music like voice that I stutter a hello. Dustin is defiantly the love of my life. He says I am the love of his too. I don’t know though. I personally think he deserves someone better. Someone balanced. Someone sane. I’m not sure why he loves me so much. He told me he was on his way and I was grateful. With him, I’m in my happy place. I am free. It’s like the weight of the world that on my shoulders disappear.
When Dustin arrived my heart jumped. I went and answered the door quickly and threw my arms around him. He embraced me tightly. Kissed my forehead and stared into my eyes. He could always tell when something was wrong. When I was going through a tough cycle. He just stared at me for a long moment. Then he asked me if I wanted to talk about what was going on. What I was feeling. My thoughts. So I began to explain.
I told him about the mother and child with the same name at the park. Then I explained my thoughts about my own mother. I told him I didn’t understand how I was still here with Anna gone. He held me closed and petted my hair gently. He listened to my words carefully. I told him I didn’t understand how anyone could stand to be around me and see me. I had the face of Anna. Same face,eyes,hair. Everything matched. Only now Anna was gone and the only thing she left behind was me. I carried the face of my dead sister. I didn’t understand what people think when they saw me. How their eyes inadvertently glanced away from me.
Dustin told me that I was my own person. I wasn’t Anna. We may have had the same features, but we were different people. People were still grieving over Anna and that it would take some time for them to be able to live normally again. Or at least some what normal. He promised that we he looked at me. Looked at my eyes, he saw me. Only me. With that we fell silent. Wrapped tightly in each others arms on my bed. He held me there. Stayed with me through the night. With him, I feel like I don’t even have to breath.
When we woke the next morning he excused me to let me get dressed. He was in my kitchen staring at the calendar. He had to have stopped dead in his tracks because he was holding the door half open on the fridge. He stared at me when he realized I was in the kitchen. He took his gaze back to the fridge and got the eggs,ham,and cheese out. I knew two things at that point. All of these ingredients meant Saturday morning omelets were on the way. the second realization sent a spiraling pain through every vain and nerve in my body. My chest ached. Today was exactly three months and one week since Anna died. The memories rapidly passed through my mind. All of the images swirled and morphed together with sounds. So familiar like it was yesterday. Or maybe just five minutes ago. I shake this thought away. Dustin comes up behind me as I go to get the grape juice out of the fridge and whispers he loves me in my ear. I stand there wishing time would freeze in this one moment. I would love to stay in this spot with him forever. his arms secured tightly around my waist. He was what was keeping me from falling to pieces. Holding me together with just his arms. I don’t know what I would do without him.
Dustin notices that even though he had let go I was lost in thought. When he asked me what I was thinking about it pulled me back into reality. I noticed he wasn’t holding me anymore and the manic set in. I collapsed to the floor. He got down there with me and held me as I curled up into a ball. Rocking with me back and forth though my tears he whispered to me. He was singing a song that I couldn’t make out at the time. His angelic voice was soothing. Calming my tears I quit crying. I couldn’t get up yet. I couldn’t move. My chest ache at the spot where the invisible hole was. I curled up tighter wrapping myself inward. As tight as I could. Dustin continued to whisper the sweet sounding tune in my ear. As I calmed down and stopped rocking and shaking I stretched out. I turned to him. Buried my head into his chest and the base of his neck. He held me and still continued to whisper. The words became clear and he was singing not a song but my favorite lullaby. I just laid there. The kitchen tile was cold as we laid there. He finished the lullaby one last time and lifted my chin to look at him. He kissed my forehead and then gently kissed my lips and told me he loved me.
When we got up and sat down at the table he placed the plate in front of me. In all the years I had dealt with this disorder I never understood why such a sudden drop could make you extremely hungry. We talked as we ate. He wanted to know what I was thinking about. He thought I had been upset over Anna. To a certain extent it was because of Anna. I didn’t want to ever lose him as I had lost my sister. I couldn’t live without him. While everyone looked at me like a freak, he looked at me with a smile and a love stronger than my most dizziest day dream. I explained this to him. He looked at me with his soft gentle eyes. He spoke to me with such a delicate tone I couldn’t deny he words. He told me that one day I would see that he loves me for more than my disposition. He would show me that he loved me for who I was. I believed him. He wasn’t lying.
We finished up breakfast and cleaned up the kitchen. It was like we were living together to a certain extent. With mom and Marcus constantly avoiding the house I was alone a lot. Ever since Anna died Dustin was with me even more than before. We were already with each other at least every other day.  Now he was with me everyday. Doing his best to keep me in the grey. The white was never a good sign. The blue was always so close. The mania was the whitest brightest place of happiness you could find. The drop off into the blue was the deepest hole of depression there ever was. Its deeper that the pits of hell. So the grey was were I was kept. That thin silver lining in the cloud. With Dustin I am always in the grey.
After the kitchen was cleaned Dustin and I decided that we would take new flowers for Anna’s grave. We were the only ones that could handle that. I wouldn’t be able to if Dustin didn’t go with me. We went to the florist and got 3 white roses. Every month I get one more rose.  I place it at the base of the stone at her grave. The elegant script engraved in it takes me back to the day we had to go get it. I close my eyes and try to focus on breathing. Without focus I may forget. I sit  on the ground next to Anna’s stone. If I try hard enough I can feel her here with me. I can remember how we alternated in breaths. I would exhale, and she would inhale. I would inhale, she would exhale. Now when I breath I want to stop and hold my breath.
Dustin drives us out to a clearing after we leave the cemetery. He said that he wanted to tell me something. When I asked him to just go ahead and tell me he said he wanted to be able to see my face. At that I went into full blown panic mode. He could tell I was panicking but he still didn’t give in. When we went down the long dirt path that lead to the clearing field I was binging to be jumpy. He parked and took the key out of the switch. We got out and pulled a blanket out of the trunk. After it was spread out on the ground we laid on it together and he started.
“Claire, I love you. I know you know I love you. I don’t think you understand how much though.” I looked at him with wide eyed confusion. then he continued after noting my expression. “I know you don’t understand. I can see it on your face. Claire, I don’t want to be with anyone but you. You are my love, my heart, my life line. Without you I would have no reason to be here. Everyone has a purpose in life and mine is to be with you.” He stopped talking to kiss my forehead. We sat up and he took both of my hands in his. “Will you marry me, Claire Leann Carter?” I was frozen. My mouth hung open in shock. How could he want to marry me? I watched him, unable to move. Unable to speak. He pulled a small box out from his pocket. He took my left hand and gently placed the ring on my finger in front of the promise ring he gave me three years ago. That’s when the shock broke and the emotions kicked in. I began to cry and clung to him like I had never felt his warmth in my life. He asked me why I was crying. I told him because I was so shocked and happy. He held me tight and asked if that meant  yes. I nodded.
We stayed in that position for a long time. Tangled in each others arms. Just holding each other in silence. I laid my head on his chest and listened to his heart. The thud-thud-thud in my ear was like the most beautiful song I ever heard. It was a song that played just for me.

But I put her car in park and never let her August 23, 2008

“Cry alone I listen to her heartbeat because it plays my favorite song”

<3 Lil Wayne and Mario Kicked ass

So I’m pretty sure that I scared the ever living shit out of a friend of mine today. We were sitting on the bus and this bitch that has fucked with me for three years now decided she was gonna say something to get the entire god damned bus to look at me and just rag on me. Im not saying what she said. It was that FUCKING BAD. So I just  sat there and took it and tok it and took it and finnaly I hit the point to were I finnaly snapped. Only I snapped on myself. The bitch got off the bus and everyone boggled down to a low roar at me. So when my friend that was sitting next to me asked me if I was ok because at this point the bitch had tears wellen up in my eyes,I told my friend that I would have rather jumped in front of a train. That sounded so appealing. I would have much rather pulled a suicide club moment than been on that fucking bus. Am I that fucking horrible that everyone feels the need to fucking push and push and push until I get to the point to where death would be fucking better? Ok,maybe Im over reacting. The thought kind of scared me I guess. I havent let one of those thoughts eat away at me in a long time. I dont know why I even let it bother me honestly. But I did. I let her push me to my breaking point….and then I let her push me past it. If things dont change soon…Im gonna end up going back to three rivers. My dad was talking about it with me. I have gotten worse than I was last time I guess. I dont undersand how I let this shit take over me again. So I have to try to pull it together within the next two or three weeks and get balanced again or Im off to the nut hut for God knows how long.Honestly I think I need to go. I dont want to but I think that if I dont get back balanced it will be for the best. I need to be able to not walk around so god damned confused and sad and happy and fall straight to hell all the time. I need to have a good day once in a while. I need days to be good atleast for most of the day. My mood swings have picked up the habit of swinging mostly during day and night. I usually get very depressed at night and im good during the day. today was an off day. I have to get to were i can be happy at any time of day. or atleast content. i know everyday isnt going to be pleasant but i would like a good day every once in a while atleast. So I have decided that if everything isnt balanced out in a few weeks Im going to willingly commit myself somewhere to get reevaluated and such. I think it would be the best for me. I almost packed my shit to go tonight but me and my dad decided to wait a few weeks. If I go i will still keep up with my school work and stuff so Im not worried about that. I have decided its time to take care of myself.I dont want to get to the point where my disorders control my life. right now I am about to that point. I feel like I need to make a change. Im just not sure how people will take to the whole “Hali’s in the nut hut by choice” thing. But honestly If you relally care you will be happy that I am taking care of myself and making a big decision that may help me in the long run. I am keeping myself healthy. Right now Im not in the best mental state of health. I need to get better mentaly. I dont like suicidal thoughts hali. I like happy most of the time,stable most of the time,can handle bullshit well hali. I love how I named all my personalities. Its great isnt it. I name random objects like that too. Im so odd. Its a wonderful thing isnt it? anyways, I ugess I just thought I should let all of you know because I think I am making a good decision. so I have a quesion….how many people am I gonna lose if I go to three rivers because im loco? I really would like to know……

<3

I know she got it August 22, 2008

“cause she lookin at me like she want it”

<3 Dj Haze

So I found myself letting my mind wander twice. two days in a row my mind has went to a place in my head i didnt know exsisted. I found out I have a place in my brain[[or my heart?]] that has a constant nagging for physical contact. im not talking about sex or anything. basically I usually avoid hugs and physical contact at all possible yet I find a spot in my head that makes me want to just be held. I just want someone to grab hold and not let go. i dont understand that. I cant stand hugs. I cant stand being touched for to long a period of time. I just cant. It feels like every time someone hugs me or holds me they drop out of my life and i just…..cant deal with losing people. then Ifind this spot in me that screams for physical contact. its like hearing HOLD ME screamed over and over and fucking over in my head. My days seem to feel automatic. Like I’m just going through the motions. Not really bothering to change it up much. I feel like something else is controling me. like I have no control on myself these days. I just breath. thats all. I do the same thing everyday. and even though I notice I cant change it. I tried many times to do something new but everytime i try I dont have enough energy to actually go through with it. I guess there is an up side to it. My heart is still beating. I wish super heros were real though….i could really use someone saving me….from me i guess. im the bad guy as well as the damsel in stress. still….i just need to be saved i guess…..

These are my words August 19, 2008

“that Ive never said befor…”

<33staind

My tenth Grade Schedual

first semester
Algebra 1-they couldnt give it to me when i transfered last year which blows cause i didnt fail that class so i still have to redo it>.<
Psychology-Pierce J
Drivers Ed/Health-Evans S
English 2- Bishop R

Second Semester
Biology 1-Anderson K
Geometry-Burch J
Survy Amerarican History-Herman J
French Advance 1-Lyon-Fuchs R

I found this on LJ and i decided since i like music id do it
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool…
7. Just hope it matches. It won’t for sure. That’s why it’s fun.
——–

Opening Credits:
Lips Like Morphine-Kill Hannah

Waking up:
Truth Dare-Insane Clown Posse

First day of college:
Creep-Radiohead

Falling in love:

Withered-Dark Lotus

Kiss scene:
Confrontation-Otep

Fight Song:
Cute without the E-Taking Back Sunday

Breaking up:
Wasted-Mary Magdalan

Graduating college:
Let the Beat Build-Lil Wayne

My big break:
Tear you Apart-She Wants Revenge

Mental breakdown:
Plastic Surgery Slut-Jeffree Star

Driving song:
Freaky Girl-Gucci Maine

Flashback:
Down With The Sickness-Disturbed

Getting back together:
Fuck Like a Star-Porceilin and the Tramp

Wedding:
Always-Zug Izland

Birth of child:
There for you-Flyleaf

Paying dues:
see me-Monoxide Child

Moment of triumph:
Bust It Baby-Plies [[ROFL]]

Final battle:
Duality-Slipknot

Death scene:
Can you Keep a Secret?-Dark Lotus

Funeral scene:
Sex and Drugs-Hyper Crush

End credits:
Shameless-Garth Brooks

Tommorow School starts back….im actually excited about that. I got psychology!!!! Im very happy that I got that class. I am also gonna have my glasses by next tuesday hopefully =]. I got two pair. The pair im going to start with are a really pretty blue framed ones. I love it.

Also I put an ass load of poems old and new on my allpoetry

http://allpoetry.com/poem/by/hali-heartbeat

CLICK IT^^

Anyways, a person I thought would be out of my life for good….just hopped right back in it sadly. I thought that was long gone not an option. -sigh-….fuck this blows. I just thought that he wasnt comming bac to school and that we werent talking anyways and then he called me and is acting like we are best friends or some shit. I dont know what to do. I just dont know how to look at him any different than I always have. I guess I’ll play nice for now.

I hate my fucking brain. I dont understand why I can be on top of the world and just fucking fall to pieces for no reason. Am I ever going to have an entire day were im happy and not sad or stressed on in the fucking mania to were I drop to the Manic.Its like a roller coaster. Up,down,up,down,uppppppp,down.I dont think I will ever understand any of my mental health problems. the fucking doctors tell me that medication will help. But they make me want to jump off a bridge. My mom thinks all of it is bullshit even though her grandmother,mother,and aunt have it. She may have it too. She refused for testing. She can deny it all she wants if she doesnt have it.

You see My great Grandmother,Grand mother,Great Aunt and I are all diagnossed with the same disorders.

We are all Bipolar,Boarderlined Skitzo,agoraphobic, with BPD[[Boarderlined personality syndrom]]

Ill explain what those mean for those of you that dont know

Bipolar Disorder is a severe for of a mental illness that cause you to go through cycles of mania and manic.[[highs and lows]]mania is usually episodic with an elevation of mood and increased energy and activity.and usually presents in mixed states with irritability, anxiety and depression.during depression there is lowering of mood and decreased energy and activity. During a mixed episode both mania and depression can occur on the same day.

summary…it fucking blows

Boarderline Skitzo is basically having the instability in interpersonal relationships and self-image.being boarderlined also includes disordered thoughts and inability to control emotions at times. thats what I was first diagnosed with.

Agoraphobia is fear of large open spaces,crowded spaces with unaccessable exits, and is also at times ending in a resuklt of fearing to leave the house. mine isnt that bad. it has been but it passes

and BPD as know as boarderlined personality disorder is Emotionally Unstable personality disorder that is characterized by impulsive actions, rapidly shifting moods, and chaotic relationships. The individual usually goes from one emotional crisis to another. Often there is dependency, separation anxiety, unstable self-image, chronic feelings of emptiness, and threats of suicide or self-mutilation. This disorder is only diagnosed when these behaviors become persistent and very disabling and distressing.

even though i know alot about that shit…i dont fucking get it. i dont understand why i feel so fucking unhinged all the time. im a walking nut case. maybe i should just fucking lock myself away to keep me and everyone else fucking safe. I dont know. Fuck im just enraged alittle. I dont know what the fuck to do.

im gonna go calm down

<3

Hold it together August 18, 2008

“birds of a feather,nothing but lies and broken wings.”

<33 Breaking Benjamin

I think……ow. I think im in…….dare I say it? Dare I spill my guts that I let someone  get cose to me. That I have let my emotions take over me and get ahead of me. This strange feeling is a different feeling that ever befor. I honestly believe…Im in…..love. Wow thats harder to admit that you can believe. mostly because its tooo early I think and also im pretty sure tristan will read this lol. I just….I feel like different towards him. I havent ever felt like this towards anyone else. Thats why its so strange. I havent got the balls to ask if Im the only one in the relationship with these odd feelings lol. Which is probably why i just sorta asked only in some wierd third person sorta way…..hmmm…wow. I am just…overwhelemed in a good way I guess you could say. It just sorta hit me last night. He is just so…..different. He isnt an ass or mean to me. I just….Im not used to it I guess. I feel like everything is new and fresh. Like he opened my eyes to this whole new…..world. Then again I feel like im letting my emotions get WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYy ahead of me because we arent able to spend much time together and we havent been together long but i just…….idk. I feel like its right. like….im going in the right direction. Maybe…i am getting way to ahead. -shrugs- idk honestly. i just cant understand why this just…..hit me like that. Maybe….its a sign or something. I just hope im not going to fast or getting ahead of myself and it make him think im like….taking things to fast. i just feel really strongly about it.

On to other news so my brain can rest. I am officially back designing again. im going to probably make a page on here for nothing but my designs. I dont know about it yet. Im still thinking about it. also today I put together a damn good playlist. I have a wide variety I guess you could say. did you know that if you type in just the name part of your email adress or screen name that any site you have joined it with on the internet pops up on a google search? I did this and like…..everything popped up. It was hillarious and creepy. Google is the worlds biggest stalker. It stalks everyone and no one really notices. Until now. hehehe . By the way for all of you that know what im talking about guess what….YOU JUST LOST THE GAME!!!!! bwah hahahahaha. damn 4chan. Anyways. Here is my playlist and then Im done for the day =]

Play list:

Putting Holes in Happiness-Marilyn Manson
Destroyer- Static-x
Where dos the good go- Tegan and Sara
Overburdened-Disturbed
Hidden Track-From First to Last
Unwanted-Kill Hannah
Crazy Angel-Kill Hannah
Kiss me, Im contagious-From First to Last
Intertiactic Esp-The mars Volta
And we all Have a Hell-From First to Last
We Believe-Good Charlotte
Cyclone-Babybash
Lips Like Morphine-Kill Hannah
Slow Motion-Hyper Crush
Down With the Sickness-Disturbed
All Around Me-Flyleaf
Prayer-Disturbed
The Taste of Ink-The Used
Mirror-Envy on the Coast
Starving Your Friends-Envy on the Coast
Tell Them She’s Not Scared-Envy on the Coast
Temper Temper-Envy on the Coast
Emily-From First to Last
Thug Whilin’-Violent J
Im Leavin’-Jessie McCartney
Only-Nine Inch Nails
The Waitress-Tech N9ne
Suga Suga-Babybash
The Kill-30 Seconds To Mars
Paper Planes-M.I.A.
Escape Artist-Blaze Ya Dead Homie
Familiar-Twiztid
Why?-Jason Aldean
Laughed Until We Cried-Jason Aldean
Amirillo Sky-Jason Aldean
The Dance-Garth Brooks
Shameless-Garth Brooks
Beaches of Cheyann-Garth Brooks
Tie the Rope-The Format
Smother me-The Used
Redlight District-Porcelain and the Tramp
Fuck Like A Star-Porcelain and the Tramp
Cute without the E-Taking Back Sunday
Welcome Home -Coheed and Cambria
Change(in the house of flies)-Deftones
Headache-Dark Lotus
Truth Dare-ICP
Somewhere I belong-Linkin Park
In the End-Linkin Park
What I’ve done-Linkin Park

Hoping to see you again August 17, 2008

“this is my curse”

<3 killswitch Engaged

I use the ten formation tarret card set up

Card 1# Reveals the substance of the question and the meaning behind it.

Card 2# Obstacles and opposition surrounding the inquirer.
Card 3# Indicated developments in the near future.

Card 4# Describes what happened in the past to lead to the question today.

Card 5# Factors in the past relating to now which are now insignificant.

Card 6# New influences which can help you in the near future, related to card 3.

Card 7# The present state of mind of the inquirer.

Card 8# The inquirer’s state of mind.

Card 9# The inquirer’s hopes.

Card 10# The most likely future result.

I read my cards

here where my results
Card:The Hanged Man (reversed)
means– A warning against selfishness.
Card:3 of Cups
means- There will be something to celebrate.
Card:2 of Wands
means- A prosperous partnership.
Card:Knight of Cups (reversed)
means- A talented young man who lacks motiviation.
Card:7 of Wands (reversed)
means- Insecurity, hesitation and fear.
Card:4 of Pentacles (reversed)
means- Greed and a miserly spirit.
Card:9 of Swords
means- Fear and suffering.
Card:5 of Cups (reversed)
means- An unhappy time will soon come to an end.
Card:The Lovers
means- Love and Romance is in the air.
Card:4 of Swords (reversed)
means- Earlier warnings have been ignored.

eh…im not sure wether to be worried or not. -shrugs- anyways. I read tarot cards for like 8 people because im nosey. I just……wow. I exhausted myself. I forgot how much energy it takes to focus. On to other news, I am about 93% better. No more sick for me=]. Makes me happy girl of coarse. I decided that my break from designings is gonna go on the back burner. Ihave to much shit to design. so i have decided that long live the chainsmoker is my new motto. i have became a chainsmoker lately. Its kinda sad actually. oh well. its better than drugs or alchole.-shrugs- im tired today…i think imma go take a nap

Love hurts love scars, August 16, 2008

“Love wounds, and marks,Any heart, not tough,Or strong, enoughTo take a lot of pain,Take a lot of pain,Love is like a cloud,Holds a lot of rain,Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts”

<33 Nazareth

Favorite Line in that song, “Love is like a flame, burns you when it’s hot.” So yeah…..I have been in bed for almost 48 hours with a few tiny ups. I have been sick as hell. Im feeling better. I have had too much time to think though. I have wrote like four new poems. Ill post them at the end. I just thought I should get something out there to everyone…..I was recently called “emo” and just so you know….silly little boy not worth my time…it doesnt really bug me. Lable me what you want. I could give a fuck less what you think honestly. anyways, I have decided that everything is going to be fine. Me and tristan,,,,are gonna be fine. Mike will be my friend. Mary…well i dont know about that but either way it will be fine. Me and jill are good too. I basically am getting over the shit. =] Either that or Im on some kind of mind alterering drug that is taking long lasting effects and this is all a dillusion…i think that is alittle off though. hehe. I feel really good about the near future, though i am alittle worried about some of my plans. I know I need to talk to a certain person about my moving out at 17 worries. I just dont know what to think of it. oh well. ill save that for later after we talk. Anyways, I have also decided that…im not going to design anymore for a while. I think Im going to take a few months off. also I think I am going to work alittle more on my book. Im trying to finish chapter 7. I havent posted any in a long time. i dont think I want to though. anyways, I cant think of anymore to write. Its like a little after 5. So here are my new poems =]

**EDIT**

My poems have a page for all of them

sorry =]