and you say…”Sorry” like the angel heaven let me think was you September 29, 2008

“But I’m afraid…It’s too late to apologize, it’s too late,I said it’s too late  it’s too late,It’s too late to apologize, it’s too late,I said it’s
too late to apologize, it’s too late,It’s too late to apologize, yeah,I said it’s
too late to apologize, yeah-,I’m holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground…”

<33 Timbaland

that song inspired me for my newest design

i put it on deviant art

Anyways, lets get down to bussiness. To start off on a light note i have my nais done. it feels wierd but i ike them. i finnaly got more minutes on my phone and i got alot of little stuff with my b-day money. I got to spend all this weekend with my mom and stp dad and i had a great day.  today was good too. i came home earlier and i have been tryng to write this ever since. i just cant get it to go anywhere. too many thoughts i guess. still waiting for tristan to respond to my txt. that will never happen probably. –sigh– this is all im postn. i cant write anymore

<3

Im sorry for the things i did not say September 23, 2008

“like how you are the best thing in my world and how im so proud to call you my girl”

<3 Akon

reflection time i suppose…everyhting has changed so much in just a year. losing friends and loved ones, gaining new friends, learning life lessons, making mistakes,love and heartbreak, finding peace, losing it, searching for it, finding myself and letting  people close to me. all of this in such a little bit of time.  Im a year older, alittle more wiser and i still have alot to learn.  so im guessing that now is the time to reflect. to look back.

last september was a month of bliss and devistation. i was happy and “in love” at the time with brandon. i never thought that would end. but i lost my nephew that month on the 23rd of september. i miss him more than anyone can ever imagine. my and brandon ended up breaking up and getting back together that month. everything was rocky. i was and still am a very emotional female.

In october me abnd brandon broke up. i started back visiting with my dad more often. i also ended up dating gregg again. there are still something i wont relflect on. i ust cant do it right now. but october was a good month. me and gregg were good up until november.

in november he left me.  i met jill who is my best friend. then i got big news. still cant talk about it though. but alot changed. for the first time in a long time i felt like i had a purpose for exsistance. I felt like everything was going to be ok even though i was scared as hell.

In december nothing really happend. i spent alot more time with my dad. i was in my grandfathers wedding. everything was really good that month. i started dating a guy named kalob. he was great.

january was a horrible month. i lost gregg. he OD’ed….I lost Caleb seth Byers. I just couldnt take shit. everything was weighing on me or so i thought. my friends were falling apart and no one was sticking true to their word except for a few exceptions.

Febuary was the biggest month of change. I tried to overdose. Failed miserably. I got kicked out of my moms house eventhough she didnt live there. I moved in with my dad and transfered to northwestern. lost friends. gained old friends. stopped getting high for a while. felt like a walking freakshow which isnt new to me. Febuary just wasnt good.

march was ok. me and Kalob broke up. I started hanging out with old friends. got to see my best friend jill everyday. she is great. she has that smile of sunshine that would lite my day up when i just wanted to die. litterally. started dating TC but then we broke up because well…..he is gay. litterally.  but it was still a good month. he is still my favorite nigga<3 xD

April was just blurry. nothing much happend. no big events to recall. Well I met my friend Tak. He has taught me so much.

may was a good month. it was near the end of the school year and i was happy for summer to be so close. when it got here i pulled so many all nighters it wasnt even funny. I got to go out alittle more often.

june was good too. school was out and life was pretty good. me and mom were getting on good terms and i was pretty happy’

July was when me and tristna started dating. That makes me happy. I also got super grounded then. I got caught smoking in public whivc is against dads rules.

August i got off restrictiona dn got to see tristna and everyone. that made me super happy.

September….Currently what all that has happend is that me and tristan are still together. I turned 16. im in the 10th grade. im happy sometimes. not always. not alot of the time but i have my moments. things are okay right now

So im guessing thats a pretty good reflection with some details being kept to myself. i never noticed such big changes could occur but they can. im just glad that im still breathing and still have sanity left.

<3333

Hali Heartbeat

White Trash Beautiful September 20, 2008

“She sling hash at the diner from 11 to 5.”

<3 everlast

So I have a new youtube video.  Also im going to get my permit today and I get to go see everyone at manchester. We are celebrating my birthday today =]

Im in a good mood.

Here is the video

come on in come on in come on in and save me September 20, 2008

“I  can hear your heart crying out for me”

<33 Mario ft. Lil wayne

Save me….hmm…that seems like something Id like to scream. Save me from the bad stuff….save me from the demons…save me from myself. Save me from myself is the main one. I figure that I cant run away from myself. and I cant kill the bad shit in my head without killing the good. So yes…save me from myself. I feel like my own mind is destroying me. Turning in on its self and taking control of everything. Like I have no control over it. I do have control…I did have control…I lost that control and now I cant find it. I feel like Im pulling away from everything and everyone.  I am 16 years old…and i live day to day not knowning if im going to make it to the next. I never know if that part of my mind is going to completely devour me. Take over me and be the end of me as well. i know it cant be fixed from someone holding me and telling me everythings going to be ok. That never happens. But Id love to hear it. I would love to put hope in words again. I’d love to feel like there was something to put faith in. I just cant be 100% sure on anything anymore. Not with myself, or with my relationship, or with my friends. Im never sure that everything isnt going to fall to pieces in a mtter of seconds and that im going to lose everyone close to me. A few months ago I realized that I had hope. I was sure about alot of stuff. I didnt feel like i was pulling away from everyone. I feel like im going to lose them all now. the people close to me right now are the ones i need the most.

jill is my best friend. id kill and be killed for her. id give her anything she needed if i had it or could provide it. She means more to me than most people I know. I would hate for her not to be in my life.

Tristan is my love. I love him more than he knows. He is like a vital life line for me. He keeps me together when I feel like everything is going to fall apart. I dont know what i would do or where i would go from the point id be at if i lost him.

Mike is my best friend as well. Three years of ups and downs yet he is still there for me. He keeps the balance there. I need him in my life.

Tak is….im not sure what tak is to me. He is like a best friend….only not. Tak is more like family to me. I look up to him. He has guided me through promblems i never thought i could get out of. id probably lose it if he wasnt in my life.

Will is my true best friend for life. theres no way i could lose him. through out everything he has always stuck by. helped me keep my cool and i help him keep his.

there are so many people i need right now. but thats one of two things they have in common. the second thing they have in common is that i feel that at any moment im going to lose them all. I just feel so fucking alone….They have done so much for me…I try to return the favore but lately i cant help anyone. I cant help myself. and now im asking them to save me…..they shouldnt be asked that. but im conceided and self centered.   I take them for granted and they probably think I dont appreciate them at all most of the times but the honest truth is that they mean the world to me. I appreciate what they have done for me more than they will ever know. i would die for every last one of them. i would give them the shirtoff my back and i would go without if they needed what i had. I just dont know how to say this directly to them. I just fear that im going to lose them all. If that happens….I dont know what will happen after that. I dont know if they would care. I hope that doesnt happen. I love them all. Im the girl that loves to easy and loves hard when she loves….and then when i fall I fall harder than I should. I just feel like they are all worth getting hurt over. So I hope they all read this…not to see my new need of being saved from myself but to see that i love them…and i appreciate them. I want them to know that they mean something to me. they are important and vital to me more than they ever imagined. They are special to me isn more was than i can ever speak. And i know that Im not the happiest of p[eopel and that i need advice and i have drama alot...and i want them to know that im sorry from the deepest part of me. More than  they can ever know. More than I can show. I cant show them this and i know thats bad...im just not good at expressing how i really feel. I just want them to know what i really think....raw truth as i like to call it. and now I am asking them something,.....Im asking them to not give up on me.....I really hoppe that they wont. please ....just dont write me off as a lost cause. Im not. I can move on. I can be happy. I can get through shit alot easier than I have lately. I am trying harder than they see. Harder than I have ever tried before. Everything that used to matter doesnt matter anymore to me. none of the small things....none of it. Im focusing more on what i need to. I know i need to pull it together and become a decent person. Become someone who isnt depressed and sad all the time. I realize this more clearly now than I ever have...and i just wanted everyone to know that.  I also what to say thank you to all of those i hold so dearly. thank you for the advice and comfort. thank you for hopping on my ass when i was doing stupid shit. thank you for caring. i know i say that i dont think anyone cares alot but i know you care...and I would give you all everything i had to how you how much that means to me. I love you guys.[[and ladies]]

<3

It’s those pills that you don’t need to take, September 14, 2008

“medicating perfection, now that’s a mistake.I know that you’re spent, just let me sing you to sleep.”

<33 the Spill canvas

2 days until my birthday. Im gonna be 16 this year! I am really really excited. This is a special birthday for me. This is the one year that I am getting my permit,spending times with the best friends I have ever had…this is the year of change. This year has been full of change. I have had so many new experiences. I have met some of the best people this year. So i think Im going to Do the highlights and Lowlights of the year.

Highlights:

• Passing nineth grade and starting tenth
• Finding love and friendship in new places
• Designing more now than ever
• moving in with my dad
• Transfering to northwestern
• Working on two books
• Feeling a little more confident
• Got alittle more logical and smarter xD
• Feeling a little more comfortable with who I am
• Finding myself and who i really am
• Meeting new people like Tak,Avan, and tristan.

LowLights

• Losing close friends
• miscarring
• Lossing gregg and jt and caleb
• failed to quick smoking
• Almost overdosed
• broke my camera
• broke hearts
• got heart broke
• pshed people away

There are more highlights than lowlights!

I feel like I am going into such a drastic stage in my life but im not. I just have wanted to be 16 for a long time. I do however feel like I should be older. My physical age and mental age arent the same.  Oh well. Ill catch up one day. xD. Im am so excited though. Tuesday is my birthday. Friday im hanging with my step mom dad and brother. Saturday im going to get my permit and hanging out with my friends. Sunday imma be with my mom i guess. Its going to be great. Also I have a playlist for the day!

Play List of the day

Butthole Surfers – Avalanche

Gucci Mane – Freaky Gurl

Hed Pe – Tits, Clits, Bong Hits

Kc & jojo – Crazy

KC & Jojo – I Wanna Know What Turns You On

Kci & Jojo – All My Life (Wedding Remix)

Kenny Chesney – There Goes My Life

Killswitch Engaged-My Curse

Kittie – My Own Summer

Lil’ Wayne-A Millie 2.0

Lil Wayne-Fuck The World

The Mars Volta – The Widow

mary magdalan – rehab

Monoxide Child – Evil {f-Jamie Madrox & ABK}

necro-Who’s Your Daddy?

Thats the playlist for today

I am kinda bored and have been doing laundry all day. I guess Im out.

<3333

Something happend September 11, 2008

The wierdest feeling in the world is feeling yourself seperate from everyone. Disconnect from a room full of peoople. its like an out of body experiience. Watching yourself from the ceiling and its like this clear but film like blanket seperates from you. like your no longer covered by the this connection blanket. your alone. its like you become your own species. no one is the same. you feel the edges of yourself rip apart and bend backwards away from everything else and you slip away from everything. you cant feel anything but yourself falling apart. That and the cold. its like being cold and hot at one time actually.your cold inside but on the outside the sudden seperation from everyone even though your surrounding you just makes your body tempature shoot up. The blood flow in you slows down and you feel like you have become a paper doll of sorts. no matter how many hugs and how many times you are greeted and have physical contact you cant get a connection. all you can do is know that it was right there and you still cant reach it. You open up too much and feel too comfortable and then you are violently and rapidly torn from everyone and everything around you and a sudden urge of new swallows you along with the panic it causes. You cant explain how you feel to anyone without you thinking you have went insane and when you try to explain anyway you stumble over your words. you cant tell how anyone around you really feels and you just cant define whats going on. Is this how it feels before you die? no. i dont think Im dying but it has crossed my mind that maybe its close. or maybe this is just a new script blooming from a worn out one. maybe this is were I start over. where I figure out what this new evelation thats happening to me is and i grow from it. or maybe I am crazy….I honestly cant tell. Am i crazy? am I dying?or am I growing. I dont understand anything around me anymore. I am so consumed by the thought that everyone around me is slowly distanting themselves that I cant face the facts that I am distant too. I cant show how I really feel and when I do i am just being too dramatic.Maybe I am…am I? Am I taking everything too sensativly? Am I losing my grip? I honestly think that no one can fix me. I cant even fix me. I have been taking a breather and honestly I just dont see the fucking point anymore. I feel like out of everyone that says they care only two or three actually mean it. Have I fucked up my life already without trying? or am I just paranoid? Is this a phase that everyone goes through or is there something wrong with me? so many unanswered questions. Too many. I need answers and I feel like there isnt one to any of them. and if there is. no one actually gives a fuck enough to inform me. Im sorry Im not ok. I am sorry that I amthe queen of DOOM AND FUCKING GLOOM as one person pointed out. I accept that I guess. I havent been happy lately. I just dont understand why. I dont get why everything feels like Im losing my balance on it. I feel like my world and my heart are collapsing at the same time. I fel like I have lost respect with some people because im sad. Im sorry if your sick of it. just let me know and ill avoid you. Thats probably everyone I know. I just dont fucking understand whats happening to my own body anymore.

Cursed by my imagination Teaming with the echos September 8, 2008

“Of situtations. I do not feel well pressed beneath this spell”

<3 The Spill Canvas

New poem

enjoy

With every other word I feel myself breaking
I find my self wishing for never waking
Everything close to me in this moment of fear
Everyone close to me I hold so dear
If I let go now, I’m sure to break
If I lose you now. I dont think I could take
another blow to this empty chest
I need to slow down. I need to rest.
but this poison in my blood
flutters through my veins into my brain
keeping me wired,constantly insane
going through the motions of day to day
I wonder if this life is ever going to change
I can’t find the time to inspect the strange
maybe this calls for some time to rearange
I just want to take fucking flight
Spread my wings and soar through the night
but I know it will cause a fight
Lord, how can I make this right
I can’t make this right, i can only redo
and start over fresh and brand new
you may not like the outcome you see
but I hope in your heart you can still love me
I speed through life one nosebleed at a time
fuck your yellow brick road
I follow little white lines
Can you see the monster with me
pumping through my system
Making me be the one person
I never wanted to be
yet, I love this path, it makes me feel fine
until everything began to unwind
I slowed down for only a minute
and all this baggage came with it
So Ill find my fix of no fear
and hope you dont see me here
because I want to stand in front of heavens gate
I think Ill stand there and wait
because my dose my get me there
but never to heaven, not quite fair

I feel like time is going by so slow. Im ready to be away from this house. I want to just go away and get away but im fucking stuck. Will time ever go any faster?

MALPRACTICEGOODS.COM September 6, 2008

http://malpracticegoods.com/

Go there

its a really cool site

its got downloadable stuff

that you cant get if you arent a member

help my buddies rob and bacon out

please<3

Polishing my social skills with one more drink September 6, 2008

“and two more pills”

<333 “Battles” The spilled Canvas

So yeah. Today was a good/bad day. It started out 4549574375 shades of fucked up pure hell then it got better through out the day and then i mellowed out when i got home. It was one of those what the fuck just happend,ok get over it, everythings ok, down time days. I started out this morning just fucking crying for the first time in a long time. I just fucking broke for no reason. Im sitting on the bus listening to dark lotus and then next thing I know I am crying. I just felt like the enitre world was falling in around me and I felt like i was just fucking alone. I didnt think anyone fucking cared at all and at that point I realized that no one did care. I know people care but at the moment i didnt. Then after expressing myself I was ok. I went through the day bouncy and in a better mood like the walls of my world shifted back upright. Then I came home and everything just mellowed out.  IDK what was up with me today. But there were just little things I noticed all day. I watched a piece of paper roll across the ground for half of lunch today. I noticed how if you listen to people closely you can drown out everything else around you. like you go deaf to all sounds but that persons voice. I also noticed how beautiful it is when you see a very tiny butterfly blendning in with a bush. I just noticed these things today. I wrote a poem also.

here is it

Title Undecided

Fucking slippin
constantly trippin
feel like Im slippin
in this dull room
Im am ill
pop another pill
I really need to chill
Got to get out of this place
Screams in the night
terrors and fright
everythings so bright
In this place I call hell
Everyone here is insane
I have nothng to lose or gain
But theres just something wrong in my brain
Fuck if I care
Im in a high
just getting by
waiting for a time to fly
but with every flight I fucking fall
Into the manic
try not to panic
but everything is frantic
Medication time
Who is this I see
staring back at me
not alive but a zombie
I am not myself
I need a release
I need alittle peace
I need all this shit to cease
to exsist
They tell me Ill go home one day
and I find thats hard to say
because I know that there is a way
I can fuck everything up again
but I spill my secret
They say they’ll keep it
I dont believe it
I dont trust anyone
But I do what they ask
I finish my task
Still hiding behind a mask
and yet they set me free

Also I was going through my old writings and typings and found one that stuck out to me. I wrote this about three years ago. I think my friend mike even posted it in a blog on his myspace after I wrote it. It described how he felt. I realize now that it describes everyone at one time in their life.

LOVE IS…..

Is it when the person you love so badly doesn’t love you back,wont talk to you and watches you hide in the shadows as you supress in opression from the lowest form of hurt? When the scars on your heart won’t fade and it just feels like there shouldnt be tommorow, because it never comes anyway. And the one thing you want the most is for that person to see through your mistakes and see how much you truely love them, and it really hurts when that person tells you never to speak to them again and the only thing you can really say is “okay”.
But you pray they won’t mean it in the very near future but in the deepest part of your heart you know that theres no going back to the way it was and it never will, because if it was gonna go back to the way it was it would have by now. you don’t want to breath because the hurt of love is so strong that it kills you to think about her with someone else and then when you stoop to your lowest point and go out with someone just to get over her and then she finds out and really and truely hates you, thats when you know that life isn’t what its like in fairytales and its time to grow up and face the facts that love is the slowest form of suicide when it comes to killing your heart so you sit back and let people break you over and over again. Love is a form of self mutilation for the fact that when you break and its over your left as a nothingless broken-hearted fool that wallows in the fact that they scewed up some how and made your life a liveing hell. So all you want to do is hate yourself and pray that the pain of a broken heart fades but it won’t not for a long time and I can’t help but to think about what it could have been. But what could have been doesnt matter anymore because the only true thing to love is that it only ends in hurt and dispair, so choose to love or choose to not, but you’ll learn that like looks, some love is only skin deep.

Holding It Together With a Martyrs Soul September 4, 2008

no song quote today

its an original thought

So many thoughts….floating around. More like a hurricane in my fucking head. BEWARE OF FLYING THOUGHTS*they will take your eye out*. I just keep hearing the same thoughts over and over and over until now…Im ready to cut my fucking dome open and amputate the brain. Im in love. and it scares the hell out of me.I trust him….and i dont know how he got past my walls to let me trust him. I am fighting a battle…to where I just dont want to eat. I dont want to sleep. If im hungry i smoke. When I lay down I start thinking. Food makes me gag somedays. Other times i want to eat everything in sight. I just cant sleep. just cant fucking do it. Letting someone know you drags up alot of past memories…which have demons attached to them.  Old demons never die or go away…they just lie in the back of your cranium. Waiting for a trigger to set them off. The human mind works in such a fucked up dark humourus way. you think your finnaly past shit and then WHAM when you least expect it they swallow you whole. And at the moment I have so much to lose that I didnt have before. Everyone close to me right now means so much to me. They are a life line of sorts. They keep me going when I just want to say fuck it and give up. I dont knoiw what moves to make. Am I a pawn in my own game of chess?