Did I make it that easy October 30, 2008

“To walk right in and out of my life? “

<3 A Fine Frenzy

Everyday I feel it getting really hard to hold back the impulse to just scream. I want to scream and scream and scream until I have no more voice. I feel trapped inside my head. There is no way out of it. I can’t run away from myself no matter how hard I try. I have thought about alot today. since all i can really do is think alot these days. and I have came to a few conclusions. I may not be meant to be alone….but i am too far gone for anyone to WANT to love me.  no one will ever be able to love me until I love me….and honestly…I am my own worst enemy. I need to just shut myself out from everyone for a while. if i block everyone out. no one can get to me. no one can hurt me. all the shit….its just building up. writing about it isnt helping. no matter how much i write about the feelings and shit going on in my head…it never makes me feel better. just shows me that im more alone than i thought i was. its all building up and its crushing me under its steadily growing weight. no one cares to actually listen to me when i talk. they change the subject or ignore me. so i feel pretty insignificant by now. the one person who i call my best friend even does this. she doesnt listen to me….even though i listen to everything she has to say and i try to help the best i can….shows how good of a friend picker i am. but i love her to death and even if she doesnt care about me sometimes i always care. so ill always be here. Maybe I bring this shit on myself because of that. maybe if I just said fuck you and left then i wouldnt feel so alone…but if i did that i would be alone. and being by myself is more terrifying to me than anything. im suffering. honestly, ive dealt with depression all my life. I have had some of the highest highs and lowest lows and this is truely the lowest I have ever been. maybe this is gods way of saying that i have fucked up really bad. karmas punishment maybe. im not sure. its my fault some how or another. its always my fault. nothing i do is right lately. nothing i do has ever been right. but im probably wasting my times. this is just a good way to get everyone laughing at the emo i guess. thats the label ive been tagged with lately. and yeah…im not gonna say its a lie. ive been depressed for a long time. ive been whiny and bitchy and i cry way too much. sometimes i just want to go away. but heres one for your thoughts. three days after school started i had my first suicidal thought since febuary. now they consume me. but im stronger than that….i think. i have enough fight in me to not give in. id fail at it anyways. i fail at everything. but i dont see why everyone seems to want to push me when im already falling. trying to make me hit the ground faster? probably for the best I guess. put me out of my misery by making me so miserable i just cant take it anymore. so one of two things is going to happen soon. im either going to lose it and go backt o my old ways and end up in the loney bin for a few months or im going to end up standing up to the next bitch that hurts me….and im going to flip. and im not going to stop until i cant move my arms anymore. i dont want either. but the impulses to scream and hurt myself or someone else is getting harder and harder to hold back. but does any of this mean shit to any of you? probably not. and i know some of you will be all like ” you know thats bullshit. I care. i dont think its right you say that.” well let me point out something. I wouldnt say that if i didnt feel so FUCKING ALONE. and why would i feel this way if you cared so much? i wouldnt. but when i am always there and you all get disgusted and act like im not important enough for your time….then i start to feel used and more alone. Go ahead and get angry at me….you will only be angry because you kno im right. and ill also probably hear “you know im here for you. ill always listen to you if you need me.” well guess what honey….i have needed someone, anyone, to be there and listen for the past two FUCKING MONTHS. and has anyone been there for me? Tak and will have been. thats about it. the rest of my “friends” have either walked out of my life or they look at me like im inconviniouncing them when i need them. so you know what….fuck it. im sorry. im not happy. im sorry that you feel like i should be there for you and you are never there for me. yeah…you listen…for all of two seconds and then you ignore me. and im fine with that. let me feel alone. let me feel like i have no one here. and when im there for you next time you need me….remember that im there even when your not for me. thats all i ever ask for in return. im there for you…be there for me. too much to ask for i guess.

</3

READ October 28, 2008

Life is full of surprise
Both good and bad will open your eyes
So ill go back and remember a place
Give a name to an unknown face

My first true love
How ill never forget you
Showing me the world
Showing me love
Ill send my prayers to you
Dancing over me in the heavens  above

The closest friends I hold so dear
Always there when I needed you near
My life support I’m so grateful for
The more I think about it, I appreciate you more
For guiding me through hell and showing me
The angels I was searching for

To the first and only girl I will ever really love
Angels must have sent you from the heavens above
You showed me things about myself
Taught me how to love again
And even though we arent together
You will have a place in m heart forever

For my family that was always there
The only ones that never stare
Though I have taken for granted
What you have given me
I love you more than you can see
You taught me about life
And gave me wings
Opened my gates
Set me free

The boy that never leaves my mind
I look deep in my heart and find
That even though  you have nothing to do with me
If you fall you know where ill be
There to catch you and one day maybe
You might see that no matter the anger
Ill always be there if you need me

For the best friend I have in the world
With out inside jokes and being obsceen
When have been through so much
In such a small bit of time
But love, you’re the best that comes to mind

Though our relationship has ended
Our love still grows with me
The tree in my dreams
Is green even when it snows
And even though we have past
Ill love you until my breath comes to its last

For every life I’ve ever touched
Ill never be able to show you how much
You all have helped me
Through my short life
And I hope you will see  in  the end
That I don’t mean it lightly when I call you
friend

<3 by hali heartbeat

Need Some Thinspiration October 26, 2008

Hali Heartbeat is going on a diet. I need alittle thinspiration though. And so i have decided that i need to lose weight because i would like to NOT be the fat girl anymore. Im so sick of buying clothing from the womens department and them still have to bee a large. nope. id like to shop for a smaller size. so i have decided im going to do anything and everything i have to and can do to lose weight. I need to do this. and I want to. Ill feel better hopefully look better and just be comfortable with what i look like. no more crying over weight. no more getting upset when im trying on clothing. im going to get smaller. im going to lose weight and i have a goal. my goal is to lose….40 or 50 lbs. I think ill be happy after that. i need to lose that weight.

dont tell me i dont. I have my reasons

in fact ill tell you my reasons

1. Id like to be happy with what i look like in the mirror. I WANT to be happy.
2. Id like to be able to buy a pair of pants under a size 12
3. i want to look healthy and be healthy.
4. loosing the weight will help out with my sugar
5. if im thinner i can buy certain clothes that i have always wanted to wear
6. me and my mom will get along better because she cant stand that im overweight. she wont say it but it shows in her eyes
7. i would actually like to have guys turn their heads at me. im sick of being the ugly girl
8. im tired of hearing”your pretty in your own way” dont be nice to me. if im not pretty tell me. but i want to change that.
9. I want to teach myself self disciplin and how to stick to what i start.
10. I just want to be thin.
11. I WILL NOT LOOK LIKE A WHALE ANY MORE

So pretty much….i see that i have plenty of reasons to lose weight. valid reasons too. and Im going to do this. I am also trying to teach myself self diciplin.  I can control my body,actions, and mind. i know what i need to eat. I know when i need to eat. and i know how i should eat. I need to stick to my plans. Im going to do this. I started this friday night. Im not stopping until i reach my goal. 50lbs is what im shooting for. it sounded hard at first but the more i have thought about it the more i know i can do it.

So here are my plans of doing this

1. im going to go on a diet
2. eat more healthy
3. eat less
4. excersize more times 4594954309604396
5. teach myself self diciplin and self control.
6. im sticking to my goal
7. and in the end

and in the end of all this i will have lost 50 lbs if not more. i dont care how long it takes or what measure i have to take. im doing this. and it makes me happier already

even in oz they thug whilin October 26, 2008

Hmm….theres alot of change in the air. its kinda scary. Me and Tristan decided that we
we just gonna stay friends. Thats probably a good thing. Also I have got alot of work
done on my book. MY friend Will is attempting to get me and his friend Casey talking. Casey seems interested and Im interested in him to. Im just scared to try to get to know him too much. terrified of getting close by this point. but I have to get over that. I cant fear getting hurt for the rest of my life you know….I need to calm down. I just…its still alittle painful to think about dating or even getting to know someone like that. But i cant think that way anymore. Im actually pretty happy right now. everything seems to be getting better but im still gonna take things day by day because last time i felt this way it feel straight to hell . I dont want that. so im being careful. but im really sleepy and im going to bed
<33

Hali Heartbeat tells you what girls really mean October 24, 2008

Hali heartbeat tells you what girls actually mean

we all see those bullitiens about sayings or actions girls take but mean something completely opposite. some i agree with….some on the other hand…..not so much. so here is my description of what it means in my case and most other females im associated with when your dating a girl and she smiles at you its not that she is happy to see you….its that you make her world shine. When she sighs…its not always something wrong. sometimes its just that she is still realizing how amazing you are and how lucky she is to have found someone like you when she holds your hand its not just to flaunt you around or to keep other females away ……its because that connection of just a hand hold means so much more than just the action itself. it means that she has connected and felt assured enough to not be afraid to connect with you. When she hugs you. it isnt always because its just a normal way of greeting someone your in a relationship with. its just the fact that no matter how much she may dislike hugs….being in your arms makes her feel safe and gives her the reasurance she needs to know that no matter what everything in that one moment was perfect. when she talks to you about little random things its not just because she is babbling. she wants to make you part of everything in her life. she wants you to know her even in the smallest details. When she looks into your eyes, its not always just a look. she may be searching for something. anything to let her know you better. to keep things building into the beautiful relationship that every girl and boy whether they admit or or not dream about. when they write poetry and ask you to read it. its not just so you can critsize it or to show off their mad writing skillz.(had to xD) its because they want you to know their mind. see the world the way they see it. understand them. to learn to love them for who they are and nderstand why they are that way. When she gets angry at you for things that shouldnt be a big deal. its not just because she is over reacting. its because she maybe…just maybe…wants to keep the relationship together and when even small things happen it puts the fear of losing that into her mind. When she gets angry over bigger things. its not because she thinks your a stupid inconsiderate ass. (sorry guys) its because she loves you enough to want to work through this together and knows that if you break up and try to work through it seperately she will still love you. and still miss you. she isnt trying to be a bitch about things. she is just trying to make a point and hope you catch her drift when she is doing it. its not that she wants to break up. its that she wants to keep things together as long as fate lets that be possible. When she gives you the “silent Treatment” its not her being immature. is her running everything going on at the moment through her head at once and tryng to figure out as many solutions that involve keeping the realationship together at the same time. In my opinion…this is how i work. this is how alot of females or young women i should say act that i know. we arent whiny bitches that are over sensative and dramatic. we love hard and we are stubborn enough to know that no matter what goes on if it gets to something really bad we awant to fix it. not end it. ending things are pointless. being able to work through things not matter how bad they are is part of a relationship and he older we get and the more serious our relationships become we have to learn that not everything is worth just cutting ties. not everything is worth just stopping it and working on things solo. relationships are a two way street. you have to work together. yes your going to argue and yes your going to fight and go through shit you never wanted to but if its a relationship that means something to you. not just high school bullshit relationships that last a week. if its one of those relationships were you can honestly swear on your life and their life that you love them. then you have to learn that people make mistakes and that people change. they grow out of immature habbits and if that person loves you the same way….you have to be a soldier i guess. fight through the battles together. no matter how gory they get. i just thought that it was needed to said. <3 Hali Heartbeat

A thin red line tells you October 23, 2008

“where the blade has been. So many secrets hiding beneath my skin and its cold, cold, cold. out of control.”

<3333 Corinna Fugate

ahh the sweet sweet satisfaction of actually feeling something. oh yes dear friends, the numbness i so very much hated has dissapeared. Im just fucking hurting. hurting and hurting and im angry and sad and i want to fucking scream. but it feels so much better than nothing. I realized that everyone was ight. i have been a fool for believing that there was ever a chance of me and him ever getting back together.I say this because I was given proof that it was all bullshit pretty much. i wont mention who gave me the information. but ill show you my proof.

Friend: um…you are aware he is like….
Friend: on a gf hunt right?
me: what
Friend: yeah like he wants a girlfriend and bitches all the time about being single
me: ……..
me: so he pretty much lied to me right
Friend: its a possibility.
me: well…i guess thats the catch that breaks then line then

So yes…this friend is a very well trusted friend. one i would trust with my life. this opened my eyes. I really dont want it to be true. but i guess its time that i open my eyes and stop living in dream world. if only if only….if only he understood how this feels. its impossible to make anyone feel something they dont want to feel though. thats okay. i just have to figure some shit out in my own life i guess. join the human race again and stop being a little whiny emo. or maybe i can be a whiny emo and still be part of the human race. idk. see…i have my own tiny little high school situtations that only people in high school would want to deal with. i cant type anymore. so im gone

<3

we would be we would be frantically melting October 22, 2008

“into one massive point that would overcome anything”

<3 The Spill Canvas

Blog Writers block is gone. Im back with the boring life that I call my own. Not sure what to talk about. I just feel like writing. I guess I could start off by saying that Im bored. this blog may be a little dull just because of this factor. There are alot of things I would like to say but not enough time or energy to write something that only 3 or 4 people will read.  I guess Ill just write about a few things. today…sucked major balls. I really just feel so tired. I think a good dose of euphoria would brighten my day. some cafiene would too. i need to speed up a little.  also i am becomming impatient about everytrhing. my patients of a god is slowly decreasing into furiously impatientness.  I miss tristan. not seeing him bothers me but ill live. i realized that i come in second place when oit comes to most people. yet, ill always be there for them even if they ditch me. hmm….i am finding out more about myself. just when i thought i knew who i really was and i could just be me…I find out more.  lets see what ese there is to talk about….hmm…im drawing a blank. so im done

<3

If you fly away tonight October 21, 2008

“I want to tell you that I love you
I hope that you can hear me
I hope that you can feel me
If you fly away tonight
I want to tell you that I’m sorry
That I never told you
When we were face to face”

<3Disciple

I have blog writers block. but i can still write poetry. so here you go. this should sum up my life at the moment.

Everything

rapid thoughts consume me
Thought of suicide have doomed me
fear of acting on them confuse me
life flying by so fast is leaving me
far far behind

all alone in this room
all alone in this house
alone in this town
alone in the world

no heart to feel beating
he still has it in his hands
whether he notices or not
he will never understand

being a monster
a horrible friend
losing sight of everything
losing friend by friend

chest constantly aches
my body seems to what to break
with missing pieces to this puzzle
Im am no longer whole

listening to music to drown out the noise
turning on myself to control the pain
so much to lose
so little to gain

am i already crazy
or just going insane
theres a steady pounding thud
smashing around in my membrane

changing my look
changing my way
changing everything
every single day

sometimes the hurt
is replaced with rage
and I just want to scream
but instead I turn the page

I cant be close
cant let you go to far away
need a big euphoria dose
and I want to scream for you to stay

Where did this start
Why did this begin
did I bring this life on myself
will it be like this until the end

contradicting thoughts
consume my days
I want you to go
and I want you to stay

I want to break these
these cold metal chains
and I want to beg
for you to save me please

I feel so pathetic
I feel so ashamed
of what i have done
of what ive became

so many times
I want to go back and change
my past completely
start fresh and rearrange

I cant keep up
and I cant slow down
I feel so slow
but i move at the speed of sound

at least Im safe
trapped in my head
I want to sleep for a thousand years
I want to go to bed

my dreams are dark
full of nightmares and terrors
no more angel to save me
a wilted forest only to remember

After all this has passed, i still will remain October 16, 2008

“After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain”

<3 superchick

I can’t take this shit anymore. Today was the day that I let shit finally get to me. I hear people say shit about me. I dont  say anything to them. I dont even act like I hear them usualy. I finally did today. I just broke down in front of everyone. I counldnt hold it in anymore. I dont do anything to these people. I mind my bussiness and no matter how much they hurt me Im still nice to them. but today I found myself asking the girl making fun of me why…why did she have to hurt me? I practicly begged her to stop.”Please dont hurt me. Please. just leave me be. I cant take this.” Thos were my words. and I meant them. I cant take it anymore. I found myself thinking that it just wasnt worth it anymore. nothing is. Then I tried to thenk about positive things. Things that make everything seem like its going to be ok and that it was worth it. things to make me keep going. Then the guy sitting in the seat behind me on the bus punched the back of my seat and called me and “ugly bitch” I had just been sitting there elistening to my mp3 player not bothering a soul. so when he did this…i lost it. I couldnt stop crying. 45 minute bus ride turning into 45 minutes of hell on earth. I went into a fucking fit of histeria.It seems like everytime I try to pick myself up someone knocks me down. I feel like life just isnt worth it when i get this hurt. people that I have always been nice to and yet since I dont have the right clothes in their opion  and I live in a bad neighborhood and Im fucking ugly….that makes me a target for them. Everyone thinks that I am their scapegoat. Im not. But I wont stop them from using me as one. I cant stop them from using me as one.Im scared they will either jump me or tear me down even more when I cant be torn down any farther. I cant. Life just feels unbearable right now. I know, I know, “Its not the end of the world.” or “Just ignore then. fuck ‘um all.” I know this. but let me point out the flaws in those statements. “Its not the end of the world.”….it may not bethe end of the world…but it is the end of my rope. I cant take it anymore. one more time is all it wll take for me. Now…the second flaw…”Just ignore them,fuck um all” yeah, thats what I have been doing for three years. 8th grade they gave me hell because im bi. big fucking deal right? WRONG. but to them it was just the gasoline for their fire. nineth grade they gave me hell because thanks to my dumbass nephew jacob the all know that I tried to overdose. They would fucking taunt me. shaking asprin or pill bottles at me. saying shit like “Oh Hali, I bet you want ten or eleven of these.” Or”Hey Niki, wanna come get fucked up and die with me? Maybe this time you will be able to do it right.” Or my personal favorite.”your so pathetic you cant even kill yourself. next time you try pills. dont get a gun.” Thats the shit I had to deal with. thats part of the shit i still deal with.Now its alittle of that and the fact that they think im suck a fucking ugly loser. I dont have “cool” clothes. I dont have alot of money. I dont hang out with the popular crowd. I am fucking ugly. Thats what i have to try to ignore. everyday. Its on the bus, in class, in the hallways….everywhere i fucking turn.so tell me something….three years of shit being thrown at you….three years of bullshit from people you never say anything mean or snide to…..three fucking years of the same bullshit that gets crueler everyday….could you ignore them? Could you let it roll off your back? act like they arent saying anything. like you cant hear them. If you can then we should trade places. I swear I just feel loke im nothing most days. compared to everyone else I know I feel so small. I feel useless. Like I am just taking up space. I mean these past few weeks have opened my eyes. I have beent told I am a horrible friend.I lost the one person I loved more than anything. Im losing friends and watching them drift farther away from me everyday. I have to deal with bullshit everyday from people that I dont even fucking know. What good am i? Honestly, what fucking good am i doing? I fuck people over. Im a horrible friend.I cant keep a relationship and I let people use me as a scapegoat. theres nothing good oing well enough for me to make it worth it. I really just want to know what I did. What have I dont to these people that i dont know?Why cant they just leave me alone?Im tired of smiling. smiling to cover up my actual feelings.I cant do that anymore. Im always there for everyone that needs help….why cant they give me just that in return when I need them? Why do i get a disgudsted look if i show any other emotion besides happiness. I feel like in this big world Im just a little girl. I have no one but myself.Im wanted by no one and in the end I will be the one to either save myself or destroy myself.

<3

Why, do you hurt me, and treat me like you do October 14, 2008

What have I ever done to, deserve this, from you
Would you do the things you do
If you were me and I were you

For every action there’s reaction
Broken hearts don’t just happen
If you put yourself in their position
There’s no good answer to the question …”
…</3The readings

Do you know what kind of impact you have on someone’s life? Honstly, have you ever thought about what other shit that person could be going through before you tore them down a little more? Probably not. We are all guilty of this arent we. No one can say they have never made a snide remark or hurt someone’s feeling. but think about this….what if that person was just read to say fuck it. What if they thought it was all too much. Then you come along and say something to them when all they really need is for you to just leave them alone. but then again, human nature is still a mystery in some spots. no one knows exactly what another person is thinking. no one can tell you that that person secretly thinks about killing theirselve. or that person stops eating because she thinks she is too fat. So…if we all know this and we all know that we may be setting fire on someone who is about to break, then why do we continue to push and push. Remeber that saying that they used to say alot when we were little. “sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt us.” I remember that saying. my elementry school did a big all day thing on it at school one day. they talked about bulling and how its a shame that people get so upset over words and that if we didnt let what other people say get to us then we would be much better off and that the people saying the snide remarks would stop because hey werent getting the reaction they were looking for. well…I hear that saying in my head and honestly its gotten to the point that i have to call bullshit on it. Words can be hurtful. I can see where that saying comes in when its someone that doesnt know you saying the words to you. just ignore them. they dont mean anything to you anyways.  But what if its someone you do know. someone you care about. a close friend…a best friend..your boyfriend or girlfriend? what if its family? anyone in those areas can hurt you with words. because theres a difference between those of a stranger and those of family and friends. family and friends have meanings behind it. a stranger is just trying to get a rise out of you. family and friends….they are trying to make you feel what ever they say. Once again, im stating the obvious. but i have yet another question. Why do we say these things to people close to us if we know that it will hurt them. What if they were at their limit with life itself and you decided that since they pissed you off last week that you would just tear them down inch by inch now because they finally did something to piss you off again. maybe they cancled plans with you. something small. and that just sent you into angry bitch them out mode right? well what if that person cancled to keep you from having to deal with them. their mood may interfer with what you were supposed to do. and instead of asking if they were ok. your tear them down over and over and FUCKING OVER AGAIN.Do you know what they may feel like to that person? do you know how much weight your words may actually carry? No. none of us do i think. we never think about the weight of our words and we push and push people even when we dont know what impact our words will have.