protruding hips November 30, 2008

“and skull, and spine ribcage cuts a clear outline oh, oh all roped up and pinching in distorted and disfiguring oh, oh my silent undoing my silent undoing my wasp in a jar no photographs around the back emaciated, iron flat oh, oh dehydrated cutting bones today i’m over 7 stone oh, oh my wasp in a jar my wasp in a jar my wasp in a jar twinkle little star my wasp in a jar.”

<3 queen adreena

Sometimes I wonder what I’ll be doing, who I’ll be with, and who I’ll be in a few years. I wonder if I’ll still be here or if I’ll be gone by then. I like to think I have a future. I like to think that things will get better and I’ll be happy. I just like to think way too much. Anyways, when I think about my future it’s never a thought of absolute sureness. I used to think my future was set from that moment on and now I look back and realize that it’s not. I have no idea what is instore for myself. I have been thinking alot more than usual lately though and I figured a few things I hadn’t realized about myself out. Now I realize that I am not afraid of commitment. I actually want it. I also find that its not as much abandonment that I fear as it is the thought of being without a person I have grown attached to. The person can still be in my life yet it terrifies me to know that I have lost some type of connection that was once there. So many things I pick up on around me are so insignificant to others that I some times question myself. Why is it that I take such small, insignificant events and analyze them to the core of their meaning? Is this a bad thing? I’m honestly not sure.

Also while I’m throwing out random thoughts, I have been thinking about my near future living arrangments. I’m hopefully moving out a few weeks after I turn 17. That’s less than a year away. So in that little bit of time I have to get a job, license, car and find someone to room with me. If I can’t find a room mate I’ll have to find a place that I can afford on my own. I still have to finish school as well. I honestly am not sure if this is gonna work out if I have to find a place and stay by myself. So I’m gonna do my best to find a room mate. I was talking to a few people about possibly rooming with me when I move out but with recent events I don’t think that will happen.

Is it wrong for me to be friends with someone that almost every one else hates? I mean yeah, thats asking for tension but this guy has never done anything to me so why should I hate him for something he has done to someone else in the past? It’s not like he is a rapist or a murderer. At the most all he is is a whore. And no offence, but I know alot of guys that are whores and people don’t hate them for it. So I think its stupid that people hate him because he slept with one of their friends. He has been known as a whore for so long that the people that have slept with him and turn to hate him should have known better than to get attached. I see nothing wrong with me being his friend as long as it stays just as friends which it will.

I wish I could be the person I want to be. I would kill to have great looks and a great personality at the same time. Is that possible? I think it is. Sometimes I hate that I’m not pretty enough or have the right type of friends and clothes for certain people. I know I sholdn’t try to please others but I just wish I actually could if I wanted to. I can’t hold on to a boyfriend. I piss off friends alot more than I used to. I just wish I could like who I am and no matter what I try to change about myself to make me happy with me I still can’t find happiness. I don’t know what else there is to change. I’m dieting and excercising. I’m wearing little to no make up at all most days. I’m trying to dress more nicely and yet none of these changes are making me any more happy.

I scare myself sometimes. I never know if I’m going to have a stable day or not. Somedays I am fine, others I’m on my roller coaster up and down up and down so fast I don’t know whether to laugh or cry or scream. Then there are some days when I’m just so low  I want to die and some days when I’m so high up in the clouds I feel like I will never come down. This scares me because sometimes I get so high up that I just don’t care about anyone or anything around me because I won’t let anything try to pull me down to earth. Then when I’m so low I want to die I care about every little thing that happens or is said or that I see. It pulls me deeper into my hole and I’m scared that one day I won’t resurface from it. Then on my rollercoaster days I worry that I’m just loosing my mind. I feel like I haven’t got a grip on anything around me. Those are the days when I question my sanity honestly. I am really scared about this. I talked to my parents aobt it and I have to go get more tests run on me again. I just hate medication so much. I don’t what I’ll do if they put me on new medication again. I can’t take that again.

I’ve decided it’s finnaly time to move on and get out there with new people. I want to date again and I don’t want to be alone anymore. I guess that as long as I don’t let myself get too attached and I don’t let my heart get taken away then I’ll survive. That’s what I’m aiming for right now.Surviving. I wont let myself hurt anymore. I wont allow it at all. I have to grow up and live my life no matter how much hurt it takes to move on. I have honestly contimplated just going through the motions but not actually feeling anything at all. That may make it easier to prepare myself when I decide I want to feel again. I don’t know though. I hate treating people like that but the only people that would date me are either asses or people that aren’t worth my time because it won’t last long. I guess I’m ok with that though. I seem to like dating asses more than I thought because then I wont be hurt when its over. So bring the assholes on I guess.

I have decided to also take my dieting and such to the next level. I’m tired of worring about what others say and what they think of my actions. I’m doing what makes me happy and I’ll lose as much weight as I want, when I want to and how I want to and I’m not gonna listen to what anyone has to say about it because the more I hear “you don’t need to diet.” or “You ARE pretty” It makes me feel bigger than I already am. So butt out of my bussiness when it comes to that. If I want you to know I’ll tell you.

I guess that’s all for now. I have run out of things to talk about.
<3 Hali Heartbeat

Romeo save me, i`ve been feeling so alone November 29, 2008

“I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head, i don`t know what to think
He knelt to the ground and he pulled out a ring
And said

Marry me, juliet, you`ll never have to be alone
I love you and that`s all i really know
I talked to your dad, you`ll pick out a white dress
It`s a love story, baby, just say yes

Oh, oh, oh, oh

We were both young when i first saw you”

<33 Taylor swift

Happy late Thanksgiving. I havent been on since wednesday. I went and saw Twilight. I loved it. It was amazing. seriously. i know alot of people thought it sucked but i loved it. ive been at my moms since then. im going home tommorow. i wont be home all day though cause we are going to my grandpas.

So lets see. my holiday has been good I guess. spent alot of time with family. went to manchester tonight. saw people. i got to see beth,joey,travis,shane,tristan,morgan,mike,kayla,sarah, and alot more people. it was fun. spent alot of time with beth. a little time with everyone else until the end of the night. i spent most of my last hour and a half with russel. we had a blast. got some candy. it was fun. besides that nothng is really happening. nothing i can honestly write about. ive decided that my thoughts that are too personal or that involve people that possibly read my wordpress are going to be wrote in a note book instead of on here. its better that way. keeps people at a nice distance you know =)

<33 Im out

Does anybody know how I feel? November 20, 2008

“Sometimes I’m numb, sometimes I’m overcome
Does anybody care what’s going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me, I need release
Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
‘Cause I grieve, you’re not listening to me
Do I need to scream?”

<333 ZOEgirl

“I do but I dont. I do but I dont. I do……but i dont”
“are you okay with the decision?”
Yes. Im fine”
“i dont believe you”
I wouldnt say i was okay or fine with it if i didnt mean it.”
“are you concernd, have any questions?”
“No”
“I dont believe you still”
“Why?”
“i dont know. you would have used a different word
if you were fine with it”
“-sigh- Im fantabulous”
“thats straight up denile”
“-sigh-”

Yeah. I lied. I really have to work on that. but it wasnt a complete lie. I am ok with the reasons and the decision. I dont think
he is lying to me or anything like that. I understand why things have to be how they are. the only thing I lie about was being ok.
yeah yeah yeah…when am i ever ok? but like this time it was just different.I found myself wrapping my arms around myself.
Trying to hold myself together because i seriously thought that if i didnt hold myself together physicaly…i wouldnt be able to
keep myself together. I feel bad for lying. but i hate making him feel bad when he shouldnt. he hasnt done anything wrong.
God, I need to pull it together. I should just be happy that he still spent time with me. Im not a main priority yet he still came
through for me. so why cant i just appreciate that? I guess I really am selfish.
-sigh- I cant take this like…growing pain in my chest much more.
</3

Feels like a hundred years, i still cant believe your gone November 17, 2008

“So Ill stay up all night with these blood shot eyes while all these walls surround me with the story of our lives”
<333 Three Days Grace

Time moves to slow lately. I need things to speed up. too much shit to do and not enough energy to do it.  So Im just going to get to the point. i need to speed up alittle. I need to get back in the game. No more breather. no more relax. nothing is going to move forward until I move forward. So here I go. today will be the first time /I have caught up in a long time. And honestly…it feels fucking GREAT. Not to fast but yet not too slow either. I feel myself catching back up with everything already. I have been so stuck on the sadness and everything lately that the world had passed me by. and now i have caught up with it and i feel so happy about it. I have so much energy and I just….I feel like I can succed my goals more acuratly now. I have more energy to do exercise and diet more efficently. I feel better about myself and everything around me. I see everything falling into place and i feel like….i feel like its going to get so much better.

Scary, Isnt it
that feeling you get
when you push the limit
theres no turning back
on this road less traveled
and the only thing
they can do is watch
as you trail off to a world
unknown to most
and find yourself completely consumed
by the unique yet perfect ways
that the people in that world have set for you
even if you try to leave
the whispers of their words
float through your head
trap your mind
like a razor to a vein
they are life or death
they are your life line
cutting them off
would be like throwing your life away
throwing everything you worked so hard for
right out the window
all you want is to be your own standard
of perfection
and when they give it to you
how can you turn your back on them?

You float like a feather November 16, 2008

“In a beautiful world,
I wish I was special,
You’re so fuckin’ special;

But I’m a creep,
I’m a weirdo,
What the hell am I doin’ here?
I don’t belong here;

I don’t care if it hurts,
I wanna have control,
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul;”

<333RadioHead

so i found quotes from different songs that i attach to different moods. im bored so i think i shall list them

Song quotes that make me:

Smile:
“Niggas talk about greatness whenever they speak about me”- Out Here Grindin’ by Dj Khaled

“Vinyl black stilettos
and fake eyelashes
Blue eye shadow
everything perfectly matches

Touch my plastic face
and see what happens
I’m hiding from the world
behind Chanel sunglasses :”-Jeffree Star

“I don’t owe you like two vowels
But I would like for u to pay me by the hour”-A Milli 2.0 by Lil Wayne

“yeah now if you let me you won’t regret me
Shit if you let me you won’t forget me. remember?
And if you don’t then ponder. hold up bahh bahh
There a reminder
I ain’t kind hot I’m sauna
I sweat money and the bank is my shower
Haha and that pistol is my towel
Ha so stop sweatin me coward
And I would die for ours ride for hours supply the flowers
Now the is history in the making so shut the f**k up and let me make it”- Shoot Me Down by Lil Wayne

Songs That me:

Sad:

“Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life? “-Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy

“Watch me fault her
You’re living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
With strawberry gashes all over – all over “-Strawberry Gashes by jack Off Jill

“Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I’m numb, sometimes I’m overcome
Does anybody care what’s going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me, I need release
Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
‘Cause I grieve, you’re not listening to me
Do I need to scream?”-Scream by ZOEgirl

“I loved you with a fire red, now it’s turning blue
And you say
Sorry like the Angel Heaven let me think was you,
But I’m afraid
It’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
Woahooo woah”- Apologize by Timbaland

“I force myself through another day
Can’t explain the way today just fell apart like everything
Right in my face
And I try to be the one
I can’t accept this all because of you
I’ve had to walk away
From everything
I’m afraid to be alone
Afraid you’ll leave me when I’m gone
I’m afraid to come back home”- Afraid to be Alone by Staind

Songs that give me Thinspiration:

“After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain”-Beauty From Pain by Superchic[k]

“I don’t care if it hurts,
I wanna have control,
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul;”-Creep by Radiohead

“And the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin”-Bleed Like Me by Garbage

Also…….I told a lie. I told a tinie tiny white lie today. Ive told this lie once or twice a day for the past two weeks.
not gonna admnit the truth
just thought i would tell everyone im sorry
except ashley
cause i told her the truth
but yes, i also want to appologize for the future because i will continue to tell this lie.

On to other things, I have had writers block lately when it comes to writing blogs. I guess i have used alot of my writing abilities for my book.i finally finished the first chapter. Also, I have accomplished keeping up with my calorie intake ^.^. I actually have the patients to count them and keep track. Also I do have on more thing to appologize for. Im about to do some huge changing and if it ofends/pisses you off/hurts you. Im sorry. ive just decided to be happy. and im doing what i feel will make me happy. im working on my weight. im making friend. im attempting new relationships. but some of you wont approve with atleast one if not all of those. and you will have valid reasons. but just know that i am sorry. but im not going to NOT do it because i want to be happy. and thats what im doing.

Anyways, I feel so alive today. probably because i slept until 2:30 this afternoon lol. but thats besides the point. I feel good. I feel alittle bit pretty. not much but a little. I feel like i can run a marathon…ok thats an over stated statment cause i cant run for more than 5 minutes with these abused lungs of mine.

Even If I say it will be alright November 12, 2008

“still I here you say you want to end your life.”

<3 three days grace

Tick…tock….tick..tock….tick.tock.ticktickticktick BOOM

Counting down by days,hours, minutes even seconds, To what? So much. So many unknown things that may occur and yet so many known things.

Clink clinl clink clink…..Can you hear the sound of chain reactions beinging to unfold or am I the only one that can hear in this world of the deaf? inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale….It’s so hard to breath lately. How many people a I trying to breath for though? sometimes I feel as if Im trying to breath for everyone around me. If I stop for one second they will all perish before my eyes. Other times…I want to hold my breath….just to test out their own ability to breath. I realize that I can not keep anyone alive. I can not tell them to keep their heart beating. All I can do is sit back and watch them self destruct in front of me. One will go…then another and another willl follow. How many will go before I am all alone. I hate feeling like Im living in a world of the dead. Why does everyone despise having a pulse  all of a sudden? I feel like everyone I love…everyone I care about….all of them are withering away and my hands are tied. I have no control. I cant help them. At first…I understood that feeling. but now I see that if i kill myself….It would be like me saying that I never gave a damn about any of them. I would hurt them and thats the last thing i want to do. But everyone doesnt see the world the same way i do. They have their own way of seeing things. I do wish i could change that sometimes. but I realized that I cant save them. Only they can save themselves. and when they are their own enemy…i wonder if its possible for them to be saved at all. It hurts so deeply. To watch them do this. I wish I was a super hero sometimes. So i could save them. So i could keep all the people that hurt them away. but what happens when the one hurting them is a friend of mine. what happens when they are hurting each other?

People say ” dont worry. you will make it. your better off without me around” and I swear….Im not sure if im more angry or upset. I want to scream at them. Try to make them see that its not the end of everything. they can get help. they can move past this. they can LIVE. but everything i want to say I dont because it will just make things worse. because when you want to kill yourself you already feel like everything you do is horrible. you think everyone would be better off. and when someone is screaming at you that your hurting them by what your thinking or what your GOING to do….it just makes it worse. just pushes you closer to it. just proves your point.

People that have never felt that way…wanted to take their life…wouldnt know that. they might. i cant speak for them. but i dont think they would see it that way. Others though….the ones who have been there. they are the ones that keep quiet. they express theirselves through tears instead of words. they write stupid blogs like this one to get all of the things they want to say out.

Amazing isnt it? to see the world through someone elses eyes. through someones words. What if you could hear the thoughts of those around you? how many people would you worry about? how many people would want to take their life? its a scary thought isnt it? Some people just dont get it though. they look at suicide and self harm as a way to get attention. they think its stupid and shouldnt be taken serious. they think its even more stupid when someone talks about it. “oh they arent gonna do it cause they are talking about it. they just want attention” and then….when the person proves them wrong….what can they say? they will be dumb struck. proved wrong. and no matter how much they DONT show it…it will always be in the back of their mind.

In my opinion….its not stupid. its serious. I know what its like to feel like thats the only way to make the SHIT STOP. Ive tried a few times…failed miserably. I didnt want attention. i wanted to die. I really did. but obviously im supposed to be around because im still here.

Its not stupid either….its scary. people have these feelings and dont know any other way to get rid of them. any other way to fix things. and everyone around them…..the ones that care…..its so painful for them. cause they have to watch you fall apart and they have no idea how to help. they are as lost as you are.

the people close to someone that has commited suicide can understand what i mean when i say that its devestating. they become angry, and miserable and upset and scared. they will never be the same again. they will see the face of the dead in strangers passing by. they will be haunted by the emptiness of an open seat that was once filled. Its almost unbearable.

The worst thing to say to anyone that has lost someone close to them to suicide is “Atleast they arent in pain anymore” That made me want to scream when gregg, caleb and JT died. Why? because GOD DAMMIT I WANT THEM HERE. and im not being selfish….im saying what everyone else is thinking. but believe me….screaming wont bring back the dead. i know…i tried that.

Basically what im saying is that im scared for these people. the ones that feel like theres no other solution

</3

Avalanche is sullen and too thin November 9, 2008

“She starves herself to rid herself of sin
And the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin
And she says:
Hey baby can you bleed like me?
C’mon baby can you bleed like me?”

<333 Garbage

I have a new video on youtube !

Anyways, hmm….where to start. so many things to talk about. so little room in my brain to comprehend all of it. God, im so tired. so i guess ill start off by saying that im very very very lonely.  yes…im complaining about being single. i guess its my fault though. im just not interested in the right people. and the ones i am interested in well…the one im interested in is probably never going to be an option again. so i guess i have figured out what im asking for in a guy. its not much. but it would be nice to find a guy like this.

i want to meet a guy that can love me for me. includin all my flaws.

I want to meet a guy that can deal with my ever changing mood swings.

I want to meet a guy that I can have a deep deep conversation with and also have goofy joking conversations too.

I want to meet a guy that ……idk. i just want to meet a guy that means it when he says that he feels like he shouldnt leave me.

Him: If you do anything, make sure you don’t do either of these:
Him: Don’t cheat on me
Him: and Don’t leave me alone
Him: those are the only things I ask
Him: just be careful, whatever you do
Him: ok?
hali heartbeat: i would never do either
Him: then that’s all I need
Him: just in that, you’re being a great girlfriend
Him: I don’t want you to be what you think is a good girlfriend
Him: I want you
Him: plain and simple
hali heartbeat: wow
hali heartbeat: -speechless-
Him: I know you’re going through a hard time
hali heartbeat: i need to be off here before two btw
Him: I’m not going to run away from or hate you for that
Him: k
hali heartbeat: ok

and guess what…..I didnt. I did everything I could to keep things together…but my best isnt good enough. Anyways, I need to stop crying and just….idk. go to the next subject

So next subject lol. Im on a diet! its called the Rainbow Diet. I like it alot. its working out pretty well for me. I have my GOAL WEIGHT set at a good 130 lbs. I will achieve this no matter what. then im just going to keep it steady. i dont want to loose less. but i dont want to weigh anymore than that. i think this diet will do the trick. no details about it though. ill jut get fussed at more.

well im done for now.

<3

Doodle takes dad’s scissors to her skin November 7, 2008

“And when she does relief comes setting in, While she hides the scars she’s making underneath her pretty clothes She sings:Hey baby can you bleed like me? C’mon baby can you bleed like me?”

<333 Garbage

so my day was filled with many emotions. I saw tristan today. that was a good and bad experience. It was good because i missed him so much. I was so happy when he just appeared this morning. It was bad though because….well Im not sure. I just feel like my heart hurts a bit. He seemed alittle distant and then things kept getting akward. I should be happy though right? I mean he did come get me and spend time with me s i shouldnt feel so sad right? I dont know whats wrong with me.  I mean….I really dont know why im so….i just feel like my hearts going to burst sometimes.  Also, Im worried about a very close friend. im not mentioning names because its her bussiness. but I am worried about her. very worried. I have so many things running through my head and with my heart hurting I cant focus on any of them. Tristan said something that really bothered me….well a few things hat brought one after another to be said. he made the statement that he thought he had “blew it” when it came to our relationship and that he thinks ill never date him again. Then I had to get the courage to say that I didnt think he had and that i would date him if he decided he wanted to give it a try again. then he said that he would keep that in mind. He kept appologizing because he thinks he screwed up our relationship more than I did. Then he told me that I knew his delima and that thats why we still arent together. all of that is what hurts my heart the most. I set myself up to fall I guess. I thought right at that moment that things were going to change and that it would go back to how it was and then he said that his delima was holding him back. I guess I shouldnt think so optimistic anymore. I wasnt being rational or logical when it came to that moment. Tak keeps telling me that someone amazing will come into my life one day and as much as I want to believe him….I just dont. I dont see myself being swept off my feet by someone. I dont think Im that lucky.  I dont know. I just….I want to go back and start over. but i cant. so i cant dwell on the past because im not there anymore. I can only change right now. I hate that but its true. I guess I really need to work on not getting my hopes up. because it seems like everytime I do…I just knock myself down when it goes the opposite way. I really have to work on stuff like that. Another thing is that Im really trying to force myslef to be happy. I know I know….I cant do that but I atleast put on a pretty smile and act like Im happy. I stand like I am not ashmed of myself and I act all kool and like I dont let shit get to me….but the truth is…Im getting tired of faking it. I want to actually be sincerly happy. But im not and I dont know what the main cause of that is. but Im going to have to keep doing it. Too many people need me to be strong and be there for them for me to be all depressed. So I have to keep smiling and laughing. I have to make jokes and act cheery so they wont get more depressed.  once they dont need me anymore then Ill deal with my own problems. until then…not so much.

put on your best smile
force it to stay for a while
and show them that your strong
if if their right and your wrong

put yourself on the back burner
come back to it tommorow
because others are counting on you
others who are also filled with sorrow

forget about saving yourself
theres a whole world resting on your shoulders
feeling heavy like two big bolders
if you let them down then you have failed

do everything it takes to be thin
because will power will help you win
so go to the extreme until then
and then you can let go again

hide everything you feel inside
trap them until you know they died
because you only have yourself to confide
and never tell them that you lied

try to reach your standard perfection
it seems hard in your recollection
but your too close to imperfection
to handle the person in the reflection

When Life before is only a memory November 4, 2008

“I wonder why God let’s me walk through this place”

<333SuperChic[k]

This weekend was great. I went to the beach with my step mom,aunt,cousin, and niece. we hads a girls weekend. it was wonderful. I went to the battery and watched the boats come in. I learned alot about the culture down there. it was amazing. I had a little vaction romance. nothing serious but it was …….it was something lol. I got a great necklace a piece sign bracelet in honor of this being the 50th year anniversery of the Peace sign. I also bought two new tops,an insence burner,insence,wayyy too much candy and a few little nick nacks. we went to the beach and i got an ass load of sea shells. this weekend was not only an extended weekend but it was absolutly…..wonderful. when i wasnt with my family i was with christopher[[aka my little vactional romance]] He showed me around charleston and we went to see a movie. it was great. I had a blast.I got to see all these new animals too. and monumonts and ships/boats. we watched ladies make baskets and i got a rose made out of some wierd grass stuff. its so cool. I feel so refreshed. I needed this honestly. i needed time to get away from everything and have no stress. which was exactly what i got. I didnt stress over anything at all. not about my weight, or my relationships[[or lack of in this town i guess]. I got up. put on my best outfit. did my hair and make up because i wanted to not because i thought i needed too. I felt pretty and happy. its amazing what getting away can do for a person. but i think im ognna stop here cause i have to unpack and clean<333

pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over November 1, 2008

<3333333 Jack Off Jill

GUFN(grounded Until Further Notice)

listening to Twilight on Audio book while I clean my room. Yep. Im cleaning all day.

I cant wait for it to come out in the movies

I hope im off restriction by then

11-21-08^.^

other than that. theres not much going on

<3