I am colorblind December 31, 2008

“Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready (repeat 3 times)
I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready (repeat 3 times)
I am fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready (repeat 3 times)
I am fine (repeat 3 times)”

<3 Counting Crows

2 hours and 12 minutes until 2008 is over and 2009 begins.  With this new year so close to starting, I feel change is being brought with it.  A new page to the story of our lives. People are setting goals, making plans, starting new lives, going off on a brand new journey.  People are praying for a good year. God, I’m praying for that myself.  But with all this talk of change coming, don’t you think change has already occured?  Think back to december 31st, 2007.  Can you remember how you were? Your not the same person you were a year ago are you?  I’ll put money on it.  You have changed mentally and physically in some way.  Alot of people wish for change.  They want things to go a different way other than the way its going. What they don’t realize is that there is and will always be change going on around them.  We are constantly changing, constantly evolving, into who we will be for the rest of our lives.  We are never the same person, everyday, from the day we are born until the day moment before we pass on we are metamophing.  When we stop changing, we stop growing. When we stop growing, we die.  We have to change to live.  The body changes, grows older, the mind grows wiser, memories may fade but others will be more vivid than ever.

11:01 P.M……59 minutes until 2009.  I talked about all this change we have experienced  from  a large perspective. I talk about the change we will experience.  but how have I already changed this year.

December 31, 2007. I was dating Gregg at the time.  I was Happy. He was still alive. I was expecting.  I was a 9th grader, a fool, and I acted on impulse.

December 31, 2008. I’m dating Will. I’m still happy, though not the same happy as last year.  This is a more….Real happy I guess you could say. I am not as much of a fool now and I think before I act.  I am in 10th grade and LIFE IS GOOD.

Now that I have talked about how I have changed, I have a few things I hope will specifically change in 2009

I hope that I pass from a tenth grader to an eleventh grader without any set backs.

I hope to make my relationship with Will last until next December 31, and past it.

I hope to find my path, myself, and head down the road to my future.

Now, with all this talk of hope I must admit…I have set goals.

Goal #1: Lose 30 more lbs. Then maintain that weight.

Goal #2: Forbid myself to let others influence the decision I make about my relationships and future.

Goal #3: Get my permit, a job, license, and a car.

Goal #4: Apply for college’s close to home but not too close.

And my new years resolution, the one that seperates itself from all the rest

I WILL CONTINUE TO CREATE AND MORPH MYSELF INTO THE PERSON I WILL CONTINUE TO CHANGE INTO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I WILL FIND INNER PEACE, HOPE, AND HAPPINESS WITH MY SOUL, MY BODY, AND WHO I AM.  I WILL BE ME.

My resolution may seem extreme, or boring, or out there, but I will do it.

Why start a year off thinking negative about myself, who I am, where I am going, and what I will become when I can make it what ever I want if I work my ass off hard enough.

2009 looks bright to me. I find myself hopeful about the new year.  I’m sure it will have it’s ups and downs, but this is the first year I feel this much hope for.

With that being said, its 11:16 PM. I’m going to go chill out and hang with the people that love me the most as the new year sets in.

Happy New Years!

Cheers

<3 Hali

with all the things that i can get done December 13, 2008

“the sun is in the sky & i am by my lonesome
so you don’t want to hear about my good day?
you have better things to do than to hear me say

god its been a lovely day! everything is going my way
i took out the trash today and i’m on fire…”

<333The Dresden Dolls

Cleaning, Cleaning Cleaning,…Break time. I have been cleaning up all morning.  LAtely school and my book have been my main priorety.   I feel like the air is thinner than ever lately.  I have let go of my past and now my present and future are my only concerns.  I feel lighter lately.  I wish I was getting lighter lol.  I am still working on my weight but im doing it healthy now.  no more fasting and starving.  Im gonna be healthy and lose weight and not take the easy way out.  I have to work for what I want to feel like I have succeeded.

I feel like I want something new. I want to meet new people. Try new things.  Get back into the dating game with full force.  Im gonna stop holding back and just be who I am. what you see is what you get.   I want to take control of my life and do what makes me happy. For once, Im going to be selfish.

My hormones are EXPLODING i think.

I feel a bit random today.  So I decided to give a little insite to the nonsence and thoughts in my head.

Today I have thought and or said

“If I were a super hero I would be internal organ girl”

“I was always the snake in my games in third grade”

“YOU KILLED JESUS”

“are yu in a play with a bunch of 5 year olds?”

“kayne west may be an ass but his music is damn good”

“let me take a moment to say”HAHAHAHAHAHAHA” “

“I wonder why theres a cucumber in that picture”

Today has been a pretty good day.  I’ve laughed alot, smiled alot, and cleaned everything I could get my hands on almost.  I feel like partying.  Or something of that nature.  anyways, Im done for the day.

<3 hali

Sunny days seem to hurt the most December 9, 2008

“”I wear the pain like a heavy coat.  I feel you everywhere I go. I see your smile I see your face. hear you laughing in the rain. I still cant believe your gone. it aint fair you died too young like a story that had just begun, but death tore the pages all away. God knows how i miss you, all the hell that ive been through just knowin no one could take your place. sometimes I wonder…

Who you’d be today…..”

<333 Kenny Chesney

so like..ive cleaned everything in the house i think. im not sure why. i just got on a kick and started cleaning. my day has had its way way way ups today. its only had a few downs which made it a really good day for me.  so i am thinking about putting my book so far on here but im not sure if anyone would read it. would any of you? anyways i feel poetic. so here are a few poems.

Seven Sins

As I look into the mirror
I feel very vain
Lust consumes my eyes
And this sensation brings me shame
And my eyes see nothing but greed
I have so many selfish needs
Because my envy for what they have
Leaves me feeling Insatiable
The dreadful sin of sloth
Leaves my mind in woe
I want to turn my wrath
Upon all those that cause me anger
And then I will return to my mirror with pride
For I am a narcissist

Haiku

Forever will be
Love will lie within our tree
And grow forever

MY LIFE

My life is a petal
It tastes green
It sounds soft
It smells like wind
It looks quiet
It feels like nature

In the night I hear them talk, December 6, 2008

“The coldest story ever told,
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul,
To a woman so Heartless
How could you be so heartless?”
<3 Kanye West

Im working double time on my book today. MY english teacher printed out my book so far and is going to read and edit it for me this weekend. Im really excited. everything feels like its going to be ok today. I hope it stays that way.

I forget to dream in color December 4, 2008

“I am better off alone
Honest hearts are undercover
We are shadows on our own
Lose ourselves in open waters
Always swimming back to shore
My addictions have no bounderies
Now I’m crying out for more”

There is so much I can not say. Not here. not anywhere. not to anyone.

Remembering December 3, 2008

“We do not remember days, we remember moments.“
-Cesare Pavese

When I think about Gregg…I remember my most personal moment with another human being being with him. It’s the only personal moment on that kind of level I have. I remember it so clearly. We were laying in his bed, just laying there. It was about three weeks into our relationships. God that was so long ago. At the time I had been into cutting heavly. I thought I had been doing a good job at hiding them from him. As I layed there thinking about how I had gotten it by him once again, he looked at me. And I swear it was like he read my mind. He looked at me and ran his hands across my arms. Over my scars. then he ran his hand across my upper thigh and asked me “When you do it…What do you feel?” At that moment I was shocked. I have never had that big of a personal moment with anyone in my life. I found hope in this. Not that I had gotten caught…but by his question. He wanted to know what I felt…so he could feel it. understand what I felt so he could have a better understanding of why I did it. I never thought I would have that connection with anyone else.I never thought anyone would care about me. I thought if he found out that he would leave. get scared and run away but he didnt. I found that I could connect. I didnt have to hide from him. I could feel something again. It gave me strength. Hope is strength…A good friend told me that. And I do believe he is right. I hope that one day, someone else will hold one moment so dear to them as I do. Its amazing and no other memory will ever replace that one. ITs beautiful