I am disecting myself. Pulling myself apart piece by piece. To see who I am. To see what I am. To see what I am made of.
Can I handle the truth?
mistakes aren’t always regrets January 18, 2009
Tomorrow will be mine and Wills one month. Makes me happy. Things tend to be going better this time around. I hope it stays that way. Im not sure what I would do without him at this point. He has been in my life for so long now that I cant imagine him not being here. And now that we are dating Imma do every damn thing in my power to make sure I dont lose him. He makes me so happy. He actualy cares about me too. I love him and he loves me and shockingly our feelings math up for each other. Thats a first in a long time for me. I just worry about something happening. Like, Im terrified to mess up even slightly because I dont want this to get messed up completely because of me. I dont see it happening though. I hope it doesnt. 
won’t you believe it it’s just my luck January 13, 2009
For one second I felt hope, as you flew right through me
Sometimes its just too late to fix things. Its too late to move away from them.
where do you go when your in this situtation? what do you do when someone tries
to change your mind thats already made up? Lie to make them think they get their way?
Quicken your plans before they can interfere? before they can stop you?
let the game begin?
you have a nice living room January 12, 2009
If I shocked the world, would you stay behind me on the way?
If I tried to fly, would you support my wish for wings?
If I wanted to fall, would you have the courage to push me when I begged you to?
If I said I love you, would you say I love you too?
So many questions. Im finding myself again. This time, I’m finding the world as well. Did you know that the earth is beautiful? Everyone on it is aswell. Beauty is an opinion. Theres no set in stone standard for beauty. And to me….everything around me is beautiful.
I need you to tell me who you are….
I couldn’t stop smiling in the back of the police car. January 10, 2009
Today is list day!
But before I start with my lists, Id like tel give a thank you to my great friends. I love you guys. you have once again helped me back to the surface. Also, thank you to Mr. Tak. you helped me out more than you will ever know. im still not 100 % happy not even 80%. but im close and thats saying alot compared to these past few days. Thank you<3
Now, Onto the LISTS!
I guess you would call it of my personal favorite books, movies,music and such. I had nothing better to do. So here we go.
Books!
- I Don’t Want to Be Crazy by samantha Schutz
- The Tenth Circle by Jodi Picoult
- 19 minutes by Jodi Picoult
- Twilight Saga by Stephanie Meyer
- Wonder When You’ll Miss Me by Amanda Davis
- Skinny by Ibi Kaslik
- House Of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski
- Th1rteen R3asons Why by Jay Asher
- Crank by Ellen Hopkins
- Burned by Ellen Hopkins
- Impulse by Ellen Hopkins
- Glass by Ellen Hopkins
- The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
- A Seperate Piece by John Knowles
- Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson
- The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger
- Only Revolutions by Mark Z. Danielewski
- My Sisters Bones by Cathi Hanauer
Bands
- Silverchair
- The Spill Canvas
- Queen Adreena
- Seether
- Dot Dot Curve
- Brokencyde
- Metro Station
- The Format
- Insane Clown Posse
- Killswitch Engaged
- Blink 182
- Counting Crows
- Clutch
- Superchick
- Lil Wayne
- Skye Sweetnam
- Staind
- Thrice
- Three Days Grace
- Twiztid
- Esham
- Tech N9ne
- Tool
- A Perfect Cirlce
Movies!
- ATL
- Big Money Hustlas
- Cigarettes and Coffee
- Teeth
- Donnie Darko
- Juno
- Queen of the Damned
- Manic
- Purgatory House
- Rocky Horror Picture Show
- Alice in Wonderland
- Peter Pan
- Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
- Twilight
- Thirteen
- GO
- Fight Club
Quotes!!
The Best Quotes!!!
Lyrical
- if only the lights would dim a little
im wary of eyes upon my scars
-incubus - i wish that you would just leave cause your presence
still lingers here and it won’t leave me alone
-evanescence - why do cowards talk the loudest
-payable on death - don’t you mess with a little girl’s dream’cause she’s liable to grow up mean
-poe - Give me one more medicated peaceful moment - A Perfect Circle
- This is my curse
There is love, burning to find you
Will you wait for me?
Still I want
And still I ache
But still I wait
To see you again
-Killswitch Engage
Love Quotes
- “Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control.”
- Don’t say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believe it.
(:
All right, you win, but I only give you one night January 5, 2009
“To prove yourself to be better than my atttempt at flight
I swear to god if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you’ll never see it coming”
“Settle, precious, I know what you’re going through
Just ten minutes before you got here I was going to jump too”
<333 The Spill Canvas
I have asked many people what the best feeling in the world is in their opinion. I got alot of different answers.
Some say being free and feeling nothing but euphoria is the best, others say real true love or a mad hit from the bong. In my opinion, the best feeling in the world is falling. When your falling, its amazing. you have this out of body experience and from the rush and its like morphine almost. lessening the sting when you hit the ground. you feel weightles. you feel like your flying. when you hit the ground its like waking up to the back of your head tingling from lack of blood circulation. falling gives you that dizzy, high feeling. makes you feel free. makes you feel the love of what ever god you pray to being the only thing touching you. its like a spiratual awakening. being one with the wind. one with the air. one with nature. hitting the ground may sound painful to some but that feeling is what shows us we are human. falling feels like your soul is being released and you are no longer in the body but everywhere. makes you feel like your in everything.
thats the best feeling in the world in my opinion.
Hello there, the angel from my nightmare January 3, 2009
“The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we’ll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we’ll wish this never ends
We’ll wish this never ends”
<3333 Blink 182
Maybe if I were to scream loud enough to block out all the noise in the world I could clear my mind long enough to figure out where I’m going. I guess I’m finally realizing that in 9 months and 13 days I’ll be 17. Time isn’t slowing down. I can’t put it on pause. I have so much to do in so little time. between getting my permit and my liscense. getting a job and a car. finding a room mate and moving out on my own. and while all this is going on I have to make sure I maintain good grades and attendace at school. I have to put in college applications next school year which starts a month before i turn 17. I must say that even with all this that I have to get done I’m not worried about not getting it done. I’m just worried about being able to handle all the stress. One more of my new years resolutions is to find a positive way to cope with things such as stress and other negative situtations. I hope 2009 isnt as negative as 2008 was.
I have made some progress though. I have narrowed it down to three colleges to choose from.
USC of lancaster
South Carolina State
University of South Carolina [ I dont know where its at in SC]
And I have already started writing my Anthem essay for a Scholarship.
The BEST MOST AWESOME friend in the world, The great and wonderful Mr. Tak, Gave me a website that helped out so so so very much. I found alot more essays and scholarships i can try to get.
I dont care if i have to work three jobs, go to school and still work my ass off more. Im GOING TO COLLEGE.
Also, I have been applying for jobs everywhere they let you work at 16. I think my best option is going to be the Bi-Lo up above my house.
Im going to get my permit within the next two weeks. if i get a job i can start saving up for a car. I know some people that have some pretty good deals on a car that isnt going to screw up as soon as i get it on the road.
School is my main priorety right now. I am atleast 79 % focused on passing my grade, going into 11th grade and then applying for college.
Besides being super busy with all this mess, I have found time to have a fantastic boyfriend whom I love very much.
Life my be hectic, But its also good.
I know some people may not be happy right now for their own personal reasons but I would like to point out that life is still good. even for them.
while they may be sad because they are lonely, or single, or in a bad realationship.
work could be going bad, might have family problems. may just be depressed and not know why. all of that is tiny though. no at the moment it may not be, but in the bigger picture it is very small. this moment in time is just a stepping stone of life. one of the many trials God gives us in life. We are little soldiers and He just wants to see who will fold and who with hold strong. I guess thats just my opinion though. not trying to force my beliefs on anyone. but besides that i think its fair to say in a general statement that life is full of these little moments and you can think back right now to a time before when you felt just down, depressed, dont want to get out of bed sad. and you can look back on this because life went on and you made it through that time. you went under the water but you made your way back to the surface.
so I just wanted to say that, well, that life is precieous. we have a short amount of time on this earth and instead of dwelling on something negative we should find a positive way to either solve it or cope with it.
I think I just found my positive coping mechanism.
Writing.
hmm. We will see i guess.
<3
