I can’t give you what you want November 30, 2009

“and it’s  killing me, and I, I’m starting to see, maybe we’re not meant to be.”

<3 Theory of a Dead Man

April tells me that I’m making a pretty big mistake, pushing him away. I am, I know I am. I have to though. What she doesn’t get is that I just don’t feel like I’m worth his time. She say’s I’m taking choice away from him by cutting him out of my life. Am I? Am I really taking away his ability to choose whether he wants to deal with me or not? In a way, I guess I am. I just don’t want to hurt him. I can’t because he doesn’t deserve all the bullshit I have going on right now. You would think everyone would be happy. I am trying to think about others. I’m putting someone else’s feelings before my own. Is that such a bad thing? I guess my look at things is as fucked up as most people say. Meh, I just feel like I’m cutting part of myself out doing this. It’s for the best though. Until he says that it’s worth it, I will do what ever I have to to keep myself from him. I’m done being a source of stress.

And then, there’s her. She’s leaving. I know that if I don’t push her away to, I’ll just make her feel worse about having to leave. She doesn’t need that. I know she is making the best decision. I’m just going to miss her. More than miss her. I just don’t want to make her sad about it. So in order to keep her from hurting more, once again, I’ll have to hurt her but it will pass quicker than if I stick around and it come’s out later.

I wrote Russel a letter the other day. I’m not sure if I’m going to give it to him. I just want him to know how fucking bad he messed me up. I want him to know that he is fucking sick and needs to get help. I want him to know how he has made me and all the other girls he has done this too feel. How fucked up we are because he has some sick and twisted bullshit in his head. I want him to know that I’m so fucking tired of it replaying over and fucking over. I want him to remember it just as vividly as I do, and I want him to suffer for it just as much as I have and still do everyday. I want him to go through all I’vebeen through and see what he has done. I doubt he is capable of that.

I’m trying to find a new way to deal with things. Ever since I moved to clover, I haven’t cut. I haven’t gotten high. Writing isn’t working. Poetry doesn’t help. Talking just causes me to say too much and then I’m more down than I was before. I don’t know what to do to help pull myself up when I get so low. Or to pull myself down when the mania kicks in.

My family, well, things aren’t seeming to get very far but at least I can have civil conversations with my mother and father now. I wish I could open myself up completely and just let them pear into myself and see what’s all going on. Let them get a full understanding of what’s happening. I can’t tell them because my words come out wrong. I end up getting upset and frustrated and I feel like it’s just not worth it.

I’m starting to feel semi-human again. I guess that’s a good sign. I actually want human contact lately. Only thing that sucks about coming back to a normal human state after what happened, is that I have to feel again. I have to feel emotions I blocked out for a month and it’s like opening up an old wound. The pain feels as fresh as the day it happened. I think that’s another reason I’m having so much trouble dealing with my emotions for him and her and them and why I just want to fucking destroy Russel like he did me. I also think that’s another reason I’m pushing so much. I don’t know how to handle all this feeling. It’s like brand new to me even though I have felt emotions from birth. When you numb yourself to certain things for a period of time, you will never expect the newness of them tghat they bring when something makes you feel again. I crave contact. I crave hugs and touches. I never thought I would want this again. It’s fucking with me pretty bad. I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with this.

Hali Heartbeat.

1 month and 5 days November 2, 2009

1 month and five days ago, my life was changed. 1 month and 6 days ago, my mother kicked me out of the house. 1 month and 5 days ago, everything I ever knew was taken away from me. my light, my happiness, myself. I cant remeber who I was before.  he swiftly came in and destroyed my world. and now that I am left here, in the ruins of what he left behind, I cant get any of it back. I asked for help, trusted him, let him into my life, and he stole everything from me. left me numb and empty. left me with nothing to feel but hurt and disgust. swince that day, most people have thought I have went off the deep end. I probably have. You can thank him, for tearing me into nothing but unfixable broken pieces. before that night, I probably would have tried to go home. Probably would have tried to fix things with my parents. I would have never hurt all the people around me. But I didnt. instead, I tried to go home after that and my parents didnt care about me or what had happened. Didnt care about what he did to me. Instead, I hurt my best friends in the most terrible ways. Some ways even they dont know about. Instead, I choose to let him control every decision I make, everywhere I go. I live and make my choices through fear instead of naturak thoughts. I look over my shoulder when I walk, hoping that he wont be there. I hate myself, my body, everything about me. I feel sick when people hug me, touch me, even get close to me. I cant be normal anymore. I dont remember what that is.  So thank you. Thank you very much for turning me into this shell of a person. there’s nothing fucking magickal about you. as to everyone else, you can thank him for this. you can thank him for all of it.  He is why I am so fucked up now. Before, we all got along. we were all okay. now, after that night. now we are all broken in terms of connection. I am broken in every aspect of the word. Thanks to him.

 

He took every fucking thing from me. and Im tired of fucking fighting.