Chapter 1
3 Months 1 week
I found a paper plane on the side walk today. I picked it up and threw it in the trash. Regretting every minute after that for not saving it. That was a part of someone’s life that they just left behind and I helped them leave it. I disposed of a memory. That’s how it goes most of the time.
I hear my name called but realize that the woman saying it is talking to her child. “Claire”,she called to a tiny brown haired girl. She was in a sweet honey colored sweatshirt and tiny jeans. She looked so small and fragile. I wonder if I ever looked like that. If my mother ever called my name with so much kindness and love. I watch the mother embraces her child in a hug. I realize that I have stopped completely. I start walking again but the picture of the woman hugging her child with the same name as me is etched into my memory. Did my mother every hug me like that? I know she hugs me now, but was she ever as warm as that little girls mother seemed? I guess that’s where I get my coldness from. My mother is always a little cold towards me and my brother.
I see a group of children spinning in a circle. They chant an old nursery rhyme and fall to the ground. Ring around the Rosie I’m guess. They all get up and start spinning again. I remember back before my sister died when we were little. We would spin and sing that rhyme over and over. Every time we would fall down we would laugh harder and harder. Those were the good memories I have with Anna. Before she got sick. Before we both got sick.
Sometimes I wonder why I am here. Anna let her disorders take over her life. Why didn’t I? We had the same thing. Where her demons different than mine? Will I follow her footsteps later on in life? I think about those times I had with my inseparable twin and how until three months ago we had gone through so much together. Who can I go to now? Anna was like my life support. I should have been a better helper for her. Now I know how she must have felt. We both went through our cycles. While she was in the mania and I in the manic we would try to balance out. She would pick me up. When it was the other way around I would pick her up. Those were hard times but we always got through them.
I walk into the house and no one is home. That’s not unusual. My brother Marcus is probably at Katie’s apartment. Katie is his girlfriend. Ever since Anna died he spends more time there than home. I guess its hard to live with someone that has the dead girls face as her own. Mom comes and goes sparingly. She doesn’t stay around the house much since I’m almost old enough to be out on my own and Marcus is practically living with Katie now. She cant look me in the eyes anymore. I wonder how many times she wishes she hadn’t given birth to Anna and me. Does she regret passing on a hereditary gene to us. One that didn’t effect her or my brother. I’m not angry at her. I just wish I could be looked at like I was only me again.
I go into the kitchen and read the sticky notes on the fridge. Mom’s staying with grandma for the next few days and Marcus is at Katie’s tonight. That means I have alone time. I could always call Dustin. He is the only one in the school that can still look me in the face. He would come stay with me tonight if I wanted him to. I don’t know if I want him to honestly see me like this. Today was a bad day. Lots of manic and not enough mania to balance. Too many panic attacks. Rapidly thinking too much. Today was one of those days. One of those days where I needed Anna and her mania to pull me out of the blue back into the grey. I think I will call Dustin after all. I could use his charm and love to distract me.
Every time he answers the phone he always speaks in such a beautiful music like voice that I stutter a hello. Dustin is defiantly the love of my life. He says I am the love of his too. I don’t know though. I personally think he deserves someone better. Someone balanced. Someone sane. I’m not sure why he loves me so much. He told me he was on his way and I was grateful. With him, I’m in my happy place. I am free. It’s like the weight of the world that on my shoulders disappear.
When Dustin arrived my heart jumped. I went and answered the door quickly and threw my arms around him. He embraced me tightly. Kissed my forehead and stared into my eyes. He could always tell when something was wrong. When I was going through a tough cycle. He just stared at me for a long moment. Then he asked me if I wanted to talk about what was going on. What I was feeling. My thoughts. So I began to explain.
I told him about the mother and child with the same name at the park. Then I explained my thoughts about my own mother. I told him I didn’t understand how I was still here with Anna gone. He held me closed and petted my hair gently. He listened to my words carefully. I told him I didn’t understand how anyone could stand to be around me and see me. I had the face of Anna. Same face, eyes, and hair. Everything matched. Only now Anna was gone and the only thing she left behind was me. I carried the face of my dead sister. I didn’t understand what people think when they saw me. How their eyes inadvertently glanced away from me.
Dustin told me that I was my own person. I wasn’t Anna. We may have had the same features, but we were different people. People were still grieving over Anna and that it would take some time for them to be able to live normally again. Or at least some what normal. He promised that we he looked at me. Looked at my eyes, he saw me. Only me. With that we fell silent. Wrapped tightly in each others arms on my bed. He held me there. Stayed with me through the night. With him, I feel like I don’t even have to breath.
When we woke the next morning he excused himself to let me get dressed. He was in my kitchen staring at the calendar. He had to have stopped dead in his tracks because he was holding the door half open on the fridge. He stared at me when he realized I was in the kitchen. He took his gaze back to the fridge and got the eggs, ham, and cheese out. I knew two things at that point. All of these ingredients meant Saturday morning omelets were on the way. the second realization sent a spiraling pain through every vain and nerve in my body. My chest ached. Today was exactly three months and one week since Anna died. The memories rapidly passed through my mind. All of the images swirled and morphed together with sounds. So familiar like it was yesterday. Or maybe just five minutes ago. I shake this thought away. Dustin comes up behind me as I go to get the grape juice out of the fridge and whispers he loves me in my ear. I stand there wishing time would freeze in this one moment. I would love to stay in this spot with him forever. his arms secured tightly around my waist. He was what was keeping me from falling to pieces. Holding me together with just his arms. I don’t know what I would do without him.
Dustin notices that even though he had let go I was lost in thought. When he asked me what I was thinking about it pulled me back into reality. I noticed he wasn’t holding me anymore and the manic set in. I collapsed to the floor. He got down there with me and held me as I curled up into a ball. Rocking with me back and forth though my tears he whispered to me. He was singing a song that I couldn’t make out at the time. His angelic voice was soothing. Calming my tears I quit crying. I couldn’t get up yet. I couldn’t move. My chest ache at the spot where the invisible hole was. I curled up tighter wrapping myself inward. As tight as I could. Dustin continued to whisper the sweet sounding tune in my ear. As I calmed down and stopped rocking and shaking I stretched out. I turned to him. Buried my head into his chest and the base of his neck. He held me and still continued to whisper. The words became clear and he was singing not a song but my favorite lullaby. I just laid there. The kitchen tile was cold as we laid there. He finished the lullaby one last time and lifted my chin to look at him. He kissed my forehead and then gently kissed my lips and told me he loved me.
When we got up and sat down at the table he placed the plate in front of me. In all the years I had dealt with this disorder I never understood why such a sudden drop could make you extremely hungry. We talked as we ate. He wanted to know what I was thinking about. He thought I had been upset over Anna. To a certain extent it was because of Anna. I didn’t want to ever lose him as I had lost my sister. I couldn’t live without him. While everyone looked at me like a freak, he looked at me with a smile and a love stronger than my most dizziest day dream. I explained this to him. He looked at me with his soft gentle eyes. He spoke to me with such a delicate tone I couldn’t deny he words. He told me that one day I would see that he loves me for more than my disposition. He would show me that he loved me for who I was. I believed him. He wasn’t lying.
We finished up breakfast and cleaned up the kitchen. It was like we were living together to a certain extent. With mom and Marcus constantly avoiding the house I was alone a lot. Ever since Anna died Dustin was with me even more than before. We were already with each other at least every other day. Now he was with me everyday. Doing his best to keep me in the grey. The white was never a good sign. The blue was always so close. The mania was the whitest brightest place of happiness you could find. The drop off into the blue was the deepest hole of depression there ever was. Its deeper that the pits of hell. So the grey was were I was kept. That thin silver lining in the cloud. With Dustin I am always in the grey.
After the kitchen was cleaned Dustin and I decided that we would take new flowers for Anna’s grave. We were the only ones that could handle that. I wouldn’t be able to if Dustin didn’t go with me. We went to the florist and got 3 white roses. Every month I get one more rose. I place it at the base of the stone at her grave. The elegant script engraved in it takes me back to the day we had to go get it. I close my eyes and try to focus on breathing. Without focus I may forget. I sit on the ground next to Anna’s stone. If I try hard enough I can feel her here with me. I can remember how we alternated in breaths. I would exhale, and she would inhale. I would inhale, she would exhale. Now when I breath I want to stop and hold my breath.
Dustin drives us out to a clearing after we leave the cemetery. He said that he wanted to tell me something. When I asked him to just go ahead and tell me he said he wanted to be able to see my face. At that I went into full blown panic mode. He could tell I was panicking but he still didn’t give in. When we went down the long dirt path that lead to the clearing field I was binging to be jumpy. He parked and took the key out of the switch. We got out and pulled a blanket out of the trunk. After it was spread out on the ground we laid on it together and he started.
“Claire, I love you. I know you know I love you. I don’t think you understand how much though.” I looked at him with wide eyed confusion. then he continued after noting my expression. “I know you don’t understand. I can see it on your face. Claire, I don’t want to be with anyone but you. You are my love, my heart, my life line. Without you I would have no reason to be here. Everyone has a purpose in life and mine is to be with you.” He stopped talking to kiss my forehead. We sat up and he took both of my hands in his. “Will you marry me, Claire Leann Carter?” I was frozen. My mouth hung open in shock. How could he want to marry me? I watched him, unable to move. Unable to speak. He pulled a small box out from his pocket. He took my left hand and gently placed the ring on my finger in front of the promise ring he gave me three years ago. That’s when the shock broke and the emotions kicked in. I began to cry and clung to him like I had never felt his warmth in my life. He asked me why I was crying. I told him because I was so shocked and happy. He held me tight and asked if that meant yes. I nodded.
We stayed in that position for a long time. Tangled in each others arms. Just holding each other in silence. I laid my head on his chest and listened to his heart. The thud-thud-thud in my ear was like the most beautiful song I ever heard. It was a song that played just for me.
Dustin and I finally dropped our embrace. With a quick kiss on the forehead, I watch Dustin pack the blanket back into the trunk. Even though I had never been so happy in my life something was missing. I knew what it was and I shook off the thought. We climbed into the car and Dustin insisted that we go to his house.
When we arrived at his house he turned the engine off and unbuckled but didn’t get out. He turned to me. those brown eyes looking so deep into mine. I was nervous and he knew it. Without me saying a word he already knew. He told me to relax. his mom and sister always loved me. there was no reason that feeling would change now. So I took two deep breaths and climbed out.
As we walked towards the house my left hand felt like it was going to break under the ring at any second. He took my hand in his as we walked up the long path to the front door. Without ever letting go he fumbled through his pockets for his keys.
When we entered the house his mother greeted us as usual. she hugged me tight and air kissed both sides of my face. She asked me how I was doing and all the usual questions. We sat in the kitchen and talked for a while like every other day. That’s when we heard his little sister Kayla gasp.
Staring wide eyed at not me but the ring on my hand she was frozen. His mother followed her gaze and all at one hugs and cries of joy filled the room. They were all gallant with this knowledge. His mother decided to wait and celebrate after we went to tell my mother. That was the one thing I had been dreading all day. I loved Dustin and my mother did as well. She thought he was the best thing to ever enter my life. The only thing is that after Anna died mom quit talking to anyone much. She rarely smiled or laughed. She spends most of her time with my grandmother. So I didn’t know how she would take the news.
When we started out from Dustin’s house I started to panic. I couldn’t help but fret over what I thought my mom might say to him. Say to us. She had always liked Dustin, but I wonder what she will say now. Dustin grabbed my hand and told me to calm down. I took three deep breaths and tried to relax. Everything was going to be okay. At least I hope it will be. When we get to my grandmothers house I am frozen in my seat. “I can’t do this.” I whisper to Dustin. He looks at me with those beautiful eyes and tells me softly that he will be with me the entire time. Nothing is going to go wrong. I put faith in his words and I hold on to him as we get out of the car and start walking to the house. I take another few deep breaths before we go inside. My mother and my grandmother sat in chairs on opposite sides of the room. They were waiting for our news and I could tell that they were waiting for the worst. I took a deep breath and began slowly. ”Mom, Dustin and I love each other very much. So much that we don’t want to be apart from each other.” That’s when Dustin came to my rescue. He took my hand and looked at my mother directly in the eyes. “ I would like to ask for your approval. I have asked Claire to marry me and we would like your blessing” he said. He sounded so calm and sure of his words. I wanted so badly to ask him how long he had thought of this but I couldn’t. I was holding my breath, waiting for my mothers response. I didn’t have to hold it too long because she turned to me and said “ Claire, is this what you want?” “yes.” I replied smoothly even though my head was spinning out of control. “Then I give you my blessing. I want you to be happy and if Dustin makes you happy then I’m backing you up one hundred percent.” I was speechless by this point. As soon as I could speak I told my mother thank you and we spent some time together. After a while my grandmother grew tired and Dustin and I left so she could get some rest.
Dustin told me when we got into the car that I had done great. “ You made me smile a bit when you said that you wanted to marry me. I mean, I didn’t have doubt that you would. It’s just that I know that this is a lot to take in right now and I don’t want you to feel pressured to say you want this if you don’t.” “I want this more than anything.” I said to him. My voice sounded so absolute. I was talking with my heart, not my head.
When we arrived at my house, I went in and changed into my pajamas. Like always, Dustin gave me my privacy. When I was done I went into the living room and Dustin wasn’t there. So I continued through the house and found him at the table. He got my pill box and a glass of water for me. I look at these tiny pills that are supposed to keep me stable. So many different colors. I just don’t get it sometimes.
Lithium.
Effexor.
Klonopin.
Depakote.
Prozac.
All these medications for my disorder and yet none work. If it wasn’t for Dustin pleading with me to take them I wouldn’t. I take them all one by one. After that I go to my room. Dustin follows me and we curl up together. He holds me close to him. We don’t talk much at night. I mostly lay there with my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat. I have never been so fascinated with someone’s heart until I met him. I love hearing it. For me, the sound is like a rhythmic beat, my own personal lullaby. With it, I drift off to sleep. In my dreams, I am spinning in circles with Anna. We sing Ring Around the Rosy over and over. When we fall I get up but Anna is no where to be seen. I search for her only to find that when we fell she kept falling and I let go to soon. Then I turn around and find her at my feet. She is crying and asking why I didn’t save her. She reaches out and grabs my hand. Her skin is cold as Ice and it jolts me awake. I sit up and search for my glasses. I get out of bed and head to the living room. Dustin is still asleep and I don’t want to wake him. He doesn’t sleep much when he is here because I don’t sleep much usually. So I go into the living room and wrap up in a blanket on the couch. I then realize why I never liked watching much T.V. At three in the morning there is not much on other than old black and white movies and a Jerry Springer marathon. Trash T.V. isn’t very appealing to me so instead I turn off the television and read. I can’t keep my eyes open again. I get through a chapter and then I slip back into a dreamless sleep. I wake up to Dustin staring at me. He does this a lot and it puzzles me as to why he finds me sleeping so interesting. I don’t ask him why though. Instead I sit up and put on my glasses. He lays down next to me and I wonder if he ever feels so secure with me as I do with him. “What are you thinking about?” he asks with a puzzled expression. “Nothing specifically, just a lot of different insignificant thoughts bouncing around my mind this morning.” I reply. I stand up and head off for the kitchen. I take my day time medication and I start breakfast. Sunday breakfasts are the best. I always cook homemade French toast and eggs and bacon. I love this breakfast because for once I get to do the cooking. I start up the frying pan and I get all my ingredients mixed together for the French toast. As I cook Dustin goes to take a shower. I try not to turn the water on too much in the kitchen. No one likes a cold shower. I flip the last of the French toast when Dustin comes into the kitchen. He looks angel like. His hair is wet and messy, yet he looks like he just walked to me from Heaven. I start making plates off French toast and eggs while the bacon cooks. Dustin asks me if I need help but I don’t. This is my relaxing time. I pile the pieces of crunchy bacon onto a plate and place it on the table with the rest of the plates. While we eat Dustin tells me he has to go do some errands and that I can come with him if I’d like. I decline shockingly. I need to have a Claire day. I don’t want him to see me down today, but I can feel the manic blue cloud pushing its way into my head. He tells me that he wont be gone long and that if I need him he will have his phone on. “Don’t worry so much, love. I’ll be fine. I promise. I’m just going to do some things I have been putting off.” I tell him. He gives me his best smile and kisses me gently. I walk with him out side and he hugs me tightly before he leaves. After he is gone I go inside and do just as I said. I start going through the boxes of stuff Anna left behind. Mom gave me that job. Actually, I asked. I go into Anna’s room and already I feel myself slipping into that deep dark place. The depression sets in quickly but I know that this is something I have to do. This is something I want to do. And I have to do it today. I open the boxes I set out on her bed. Boxes of pictures and scrap books. Old camera films fill half the bottom of the first box. God, did she love to take pictures. Always the one ready to pose at any moment. I knew she would become a photographer when she got older. She told me once that it was her passion. I want to get these films developed, but I’m not sure if I can do that just yet. As I continue to rummage through the boxes I find so many things that are attached to so many memories. The porcelain doll I gave her for Christmas three years ago. She loved it. Then there were the earrings she had gotten from one of her boyfriends on valentines day last year. She wore them for 6 months straight. The only time they weren’t on her was when she was cleaning them. I wonder why she wasn’t wearing them that day. I guess there will always be unanswered questions. I start on the second box and stop dead in my tracks. Anna’s diary lay at the very top of the box. My sister wasn’t big on keeping secrets from me but if she did they went into this book. I wonder if its wrong for me to read it. I cant reframe myself though. I open it up and flip to the last entry. It was marked March 11, 2008. The day before her suicide. I stop myself from reading it. Do I really want to put myself through this? In some morbid way I do. I want to know my sister on those last few days. So I sit back and begin to read.
March 11, 2008
Dear Diary,
Is it when the person you love so badly doesn’t love you back, wont talk to you and watches you hide in the shadows as you suppress in oppression from the lowest form of hurt? When the scars on your heart won’t fade and it just feels like there shouldn’t be tomorrow, because it never comes anyway. And the one thing you want the most is for that person to see through your mistakes and see how much you truly love them, and it really hurts when that person tells you never to speak to them again and the only thing you can really say is “okay”.
But you pray they won’t mean it in the very near future but in the deepest part of your heart you know that there’s no going back to the way it was and it never will, because if it was going to go back to the way it was it would have by now. you don’t want to breath because the hurt of love is so strong that it kills you to think about her with someone else and then when you stoop to your lowest point and go out with someone just to get over her and then she finds out and really and truly hates you, that’s when you know that life isn’t what its like in fairytales and its time to grow up and face the facts that love is the slowest form of suicide when it comes to killing your heart so you sit back and let people break you over and over again. Love is a form of self mutilation for the fact that when you break and its over your left as a nothing less broken-hearted fool that wallows in the fact that they screwed up some how and made your life a living hell. So all you want to do is hate yourself and pray that the pain of a broken heart fades but it won’t not for a long time and I can’t help but to think about what it could have been. But what could have been doesn’t matter anymore because the only true thing to love is that it only ends in hurt and despair, so choose to love or choose to not, but you’ll learn that like looks, some love is only skin deep. Sometimes I feel like no one gets me. Not even the one person that shares every detail of my make up. My heart is broken. Shayne told me he couldn’t handle my mood swings. I guess that makes two of us. They are so bad lately. I am trying to stay strong and get through them. I just don’t see the point anymore. Will I ever find someone to love me? Someone who can be with me despite my flaws? I doubt it. I will be alone in the end. I’m sorry diary. I really am. You are the only “person” I can “talk” to. Sometimes I think that I will put down this pen and never write to you again though. Try to spare you the agony of listening to my sad little life. I probably wont write for a while. I want to write when I have something positive and uplifting to write about. Until then.
Yours truly,
Anna
I stare at the words on the page. Reading them over and over. The more I read them the more I take it all in. The more I learn about Anna. When Dustin arrived back at my house later that evening he found me in Anna’s room still. I must have been going through all the boxes for hours. When I realized Dustin was standing in the door way I froze. I knew he was watching me and I also knew he had no idea that this was what I was going to do today. That’s when everything got fast and blurry. I dropped everything and just lost it. The tears were unstoppable.
Chapter 1
3 Months 2 weeks
When I woke up Monday morning, Dustin excused himself outside for a cigarette. I got up and got my clothes together and went into the bathroom. I turned on the hot water and climbed in. As I let the hot water unknot the muscles in my back I felt as if I was going to fall asleep standing up. I shut the hot water off and turned on the cold to wake up. Today would be a very long and eventful day. Graduation plans were starting at school and finals were starting. Not to mention me and Dustin announcing our engagement. The air felt like it held a new tension in it. I get nervous in crowded areas and everyone was going to want to get near me to see the ring. Knowing that made it a little hard to breath. While I dressed, I began to think about the dream I had had the night before. It was still vivid in my mind. I am running through a dark forest alone. I stumble towards patches of light, but as soon as I get close to them the sun shifts and I am stuck in the dark again. I try and run faster, but no matter how fast I run the sun is always quicker. I trip over a tree root and fall to the ground. I am not there long because before I can pick myself up, I am swept away by a figure in the shadows. Before I have a chance to blink I am under a shade tree in a bright circle of sunlight. The figure that took me out of the darkness was not a man. He was an angel. His wings were tattered and torn. Yet he was beautiful. He wouldn’t reveal his face to me. I’m not sure why. But he kept his hood up the entire time. When he finally spoke it was in a whisper. His voice was more like a lullaby than just casual speaking. He told me that I would never be in danger because he was my protector. Then he pulled out a flute and began to play an unfamiliar tune. I listened to the melody, soft and sweet. The notes seemed to float through the air, turning my dream from different shade of grey, to green and brown. The forest was beautiful. I turned to him and he was gone. I shut my eyes, hoping he would appear, yet when I opened my eyes I was no longer in the forest. I was in a field. And the sound of wings floated off in the distant. My Mind replayed the dream over and over. I can’t analyze it no matter how much I think about it. I shake myself back into attention and finish getting dressed. I pull my hair up and straighten my bangs. Dustin walks in while I’m putting on my make up. “You don’t need that. You look absolutely beautiful without it.” he says. The look in his eyes when he looks at me still takes me by surprise, Takes me to another place, He looks at me like he sees only me. He doesn’t see the ghost in my face. I sigh and turn to him. He opens his arms and I slide into them. A perfect fit. When he lets go I finish my make up. I check my phone before I shove it in my bag. Four missed calls from one person. The beautiful and ever so graceful, Miss. Nevaeh Hope. Nevaeh was always by my side until this year. We had been best friends since preschool. This year, she went to school in England. I hadn’t talked to her in seven months. I wondered, worried, cried, and practically wanted to scream every time I thought about her.. Now she calls me? I flipped open my phone and hit the call button. I waited. Ring….Ring….Rin-”Hello?” “Nevaeh?” I muttered. She sounded so different. I held my breath as I waited for her to speak again. “CLAIRE!” she practically screamed into the receiver. “Oh my Goodness. What have you been doing? I haven’t talked , seen, or even had a letter from you in seven months!” I stumbled over my words as I pushed them out at too quick of a pace. There was a long pause before she said anything else. “I’m home. I’ll see you at school. Tonight, you and Anna can come over and we will go out. I’ll explain everything to you both.” she said. Her voice was shaky. She didn’t realize that I was the one that wasn’t able to speak. The hole growing in my chest burned like fire. Dustin walked in and came to my rescue. He took the phone from me and told Nevaeh that I was a little upset but it wasn’t her fault. Then he told her that I would call her back later when I was able to. He hung up the phone and took me into his arms. He whispered to me slow low that I could barely hear him. The wave of calm I felt come over me was like the wings of the angel holding me being wrapped around my heart. As I pulled myself together, I dropped my embrace on Dustin. He pushed my bangs out of my face and kissed me gently. “Do you want to talk about what happened?” he asked, his words were very careful. “No, I need to get my stuff together. We have to hurry or we will be late for school.” I replied. He nodded and picked up his bag. I slung my backpack over my shoulder and walked into the kitchen. I filled a glass half way full with water. My medicine case was already out and open. I took my medicine one pill at a time. Then I slowly walked back through the living room and out the front door. I rummaged through my bag as we pulled out of the drive way. I found my pack of cigarettes and my lighter. I lit one for myself and one for Dustin. Then I realized that I almost had no urge to smoke it. “I want to quit smoking.” I said. Dustin turned his face to me and said, “I have been thinking about quitting myself.” I smiled at that. When we got to school, I climbed out of the passenger seat as Dustin held my door open. I walked quietly by his side. He walked with a sureness I still didn’t understand. When we greeted our usual group of friends a new but old face was standing in the middle of them. Nevaeh was dead center in the middle of them. Before I knew what I was doing, I was clung in a tight embrace to her. She hugged me tighter than any hug we had ever shared together. I missed her so badly and now that she was here I was afraid to let go. I had to though because someone in around us gasped. I let my embrace go and turned towards the direction the gasp came from. Erik, Dustin’s best friend, was staring at me with a familiar look in his eyes. Everyone around us looked in the direction of his gaze at my left hand. Then the air erupted with joy. I was answering so many questions from all around that I didn’t have enough time to talk to Nevaeh by myself. When the bell rang, I walked into my first block class. Study hall was very boring these days. Dustin and I only had two classes a day and while my first and second block were study hall, his were the last two classes he needed credits for. So with that said, I spent most of my time writing. I write a lot of poetry and notes. Sometimes, I just write to write. Babbling on and on with random thoughts, writing out everything in my mind and every little thought I have. I decided to write poetry today because I don’t feel like writing random stuff and Dustin wont have time to read my note tonight with finals just around the corner. So I start scribbling on my paper. Trying to come up with different ideas. I write out a lot of different things I could write a poem about. I could write about love, but its over rated when it comes to poetry. I start pondering multiple topics when it hits me. I could write about my dream. I start scribbling line after line. Erasing words and entire lines and replacing them over and over. I have never worked this hard on a poem in my life I think. I keep playing the dream over and over and the poem grow. When I thought I had finished it I read over it and realized that I didn’t like the ending. It seemed so sad. So then I quickly decided to put my own twist on it. The words rushed from my mind onto the paper so fast I thought I was going to forget it before I could get it onto the parchment. When I finished it, I decided that it was my favorite poem out of all the poetry I had written. So I decided then that I would write Dustin a note. I put the poem on the edge of my desk and pulled out a new piece of stationary. Then I wrote : I am sitting here in study hall being very bored. I’ve been writing poetry and it made me think about you in an odd sort of way. So I decided that I would give it to you. I really hope you like it.
The Tattered Archangel
The song he sings floats around me
his face is kept unseen
he falls away to a beautiful place
the archangel of my dreams
night after night he visits me
as I drift into my deep slumber
His voice is beautiful
His movements are full of grace
why must I not see his face?
He saves me from the demons
he saves me from myself
he holds me close to him
and darkness fades from around me
he rests beneath a tree
one shaded from the sun
he plays a flute and a lullaby
the notes float around me
and they stop my cries
his wings are tattered
but in the most beautiful way
how can something so worn down
be so handsome
he takes my hand
under the shadow of the tree
and his face
I still cant see
his whispers in my ear
let me know there’s nothing to fear
cause he is the protector
he will protect me
his grip on me
makes my heart begin to flutter
not a physical grip
but the one on my heart
but when I touch his hands
he is so cold
I ask him why
and he says that his love
has turned him cold
not just on the inside
so I tell him to hold me
and even though I fear
that my plans will backfire
I try anyways
I want him to be close
and feel my warmth
so he will remember
what it was like to feel alive
and feel the warmth
the warmth that has left him
for so long now
and maybe one day
he will see
that I’m no angel
but when I sing
I sing a song for him
I would let him smother me
with his whispers, his songs and his tears
let him overwhelm me
with every little fear
I want to stay here
in his arms forever
listen to his whispers
that sound more like a lullaby
the one that makes me feel safe
with him I’m always safe
he is my barrier
he keeps away the evil
this tattered angel
is the only light around me
the only light for miles to see
and no matter how close he holds me
I never want to let go
because in my heart I fear
that if I let go
he will disappear
he will be gone
within a blink of an eye
and the darkness will surround me
and I wont be able to say goodbye
but he hears my fears
and promises to stay
because he never
wants to leave me
he never wants to put me in harms way
and there I stay for eternity
within the arms
or the tattered archangel
I love you with all of my heart. Right down to the deepest part of my being.
When I finished the note I realized that the bell had rang. Since I was in the same class for the next block, I walked outside for a quick breath of fresh air and to go to the snack machines. I walked swiftly outside into the warm morning air. The great thing about being a senior was that I had ten minutes between my classes instead of six. So I slowed my pace a good bit and just glided along. When I got to the snack machines I saw Nevaeh. She was standing there waiting on me. “How did you know I would be here?” I questioned her. She cheesed at me and answered me with thick sarcasm in her voice. “Oh, I’m not sure. It’s not like we didn’t go to the snack machines every day for the past three years after second block.” I smiled. She was the same Nevaeh I always knew. Still charming in her own way. “What class are you going to?” I asked.
“Study hall.” she replied quickly. “Me too. I have that class first and second block.” I announced. She smiled and clapped her hands. So I bought my chips and a soda. Then we walked back to study hall together. I made small talk for most of the time back. When we got into the room, I sat down in my desk and Nevaeh sat in the empty desk in front of me. She turned in the desk and looked at me. Then in a quiet voice Nevaeh asked “What happened to you this morning? What was wrong? Did I say something to hurt you? I swear I didn’t mean to if I did.” She blurted out. I looked at her calmly. By a miracle, I was not upset when she asked. I felt very stable and comfortable. So I decided to take advantage of my stable moods to tell her. “ I was upset at something you said, but it was not your fault. Nothing you said nor did was out of ordinary because you didn’t know that it would hurt me. I didn’t think about you mentioning it when I called you back. I should have considered this possibility before I called you. Don’t worry about hurting me sweetie. I just have to work on controlling my emotions better.” I said. My voice had a certain ataractic tone to it. “But what did I do? What did I say?” she asked with a puzzled look on her face. At that moment, looking into her eyes, everything around me went blue. I fell hard and fast into the deep dark hole of my depression. I can’t let her see me this way I thought to myself. So with all of my might I held myself together enough to keep my voice easy and my face relaxed. “you mentioned Anna.”, I replied slowly. That’s when I realized that she didn’t know about Anna. She had no idea what had happened to her. So I began to answer her question before she could ask it. “Anna-” I had to pause. I was trying to find the right words to say. “Anna isn’t with us anymore. She passed on a little over three months ago. It has been very hard on everyone lately.” I said. I was going to have to let my composure go soon. It was starting to be physically painful to withstand. “…I am so very very sorry Claire. I truly am. I had no idea or I wouldn’t have said anything. Are you okay? Do you mind talking about it?”, Nevaeh asked apologetically. My voice was trembling. I tried to stutter out the words but had to stop myself. I took two deep breaths, held back the tears and agony that filled my chest, and began again. “Anna, let herself get crushed under the blue clouds that engulfed her. I didn’t know she was hurting so bad. When I got home that night it was too late. She was already gone. I found her in the kitchen. Her eyes were glossy and pills were everywhere….”, my voice drifted off. Everything around me sounded distant and drowned out by the whoosh in my ears. Then the room went black. When I was aware of my surrounding, I realized that I wasn’t in study hall anymore. I was lying in the nurses office on those little cots that are hard and uncomfortable. I blinked a few times as my senses returned to me. First one to come back was sight, everything was so bright. Then sound came in and I heard everything around me. I heard Nevaeh’s voice. She was talking low and hushed to someone else in the room. I searched for the other voices. Trying to define who they belonged to. The one voice I was looking for wasn’t there. Where was Dustin? Had he not been notified? I needed him to be there. There was too much going on and I was very confused. Then I heard someone say my name. Finally the numbness disappeared and I felt a hand on my hand. “Claire? Are you alright dear? Can you hear me?”, the nurse asked. Her voice was full of worry. I couldn’t speak, not yet at least, so I nodded instead. Then, like God heard my thoughts, Dustin’s voice was in my hearing range. I turned my head and searched for him. My head ached with movement but I couldn’t stop looking for him. Suddenly he was there by my side. Tears streamed down my face and I couldn’t stop them. I didn’t even know why I was crying. Maybe it was just because I was scared. But of what? Was I scared because I didn’t know what happened or what was going on? Or was it because for a slit second I realized what it would be like if Dustin wasn’t there? I’m still not sure. I sat up, too quickly and lost my balance. What was going on with me? As I staggered to grasp something solid to hold on to Dustin and Nevaeh helped me get balanced. I leaned against the wall. “What happened to me?” I asked bewildered at the fact that everything around me was spinning. I felt nauseas so I closed my eyes until I felt less likely to get sick. I listened to the nurse as she explained,” you passed out sweetie. I’ve called an ambulance, you have to go to the hospital because you hit your head pretty hard. You may have a concussion.” I groaned. Hospitals were defiantly not on my list of favorite places. Dustin insisted on me going though so when the paramedics got there I willingly surrendered and let them load me onto a stretcher into the back of the ambulance. The worse thing about going to the hospital is that they always stick an IV in me because of the medication I’m on. If they have to give me something for pain or anything else that might be dangerous do to the medication I am already taking then they will need quick access for detox to get it out of my system. I cringe and turn my head as the paramedic shoved the needle into my vein. The sight of blood had never bothered me as it had Anna. She would faint at just the sight of blood. Not me though, I had the stronger stomach. I would be the one dressing her wounds while she had her head turned the opposite direction and hyperventilated. That was one of the very few differences between the two of us. While I hated Anna getting hurt in anyway, I loved being able to help her when she did. I looked at it as a way to give back to her when she had given me so much.
The ambulance pulled up to the emergency entrance of the hospital. I saw Dustin in the window staring out to me. The look on his face stabbed through me like a thousand knives. He looked nervous, anxiety must have been swooping in on him. He also had the expression of worry and curiosity as well. I wish I could calm him, have the right words to say to make everything okay. I didn’t want to lie to him though.
As Dustin held my hand while they wheeled me into the room I felt a little less nervous. I didn’t want him to leave me there by myself. I knew he wouldn’t but the thought that it might have to happen terrified me. I started to panic a bit but I didn’t want Dustin to notice so I tried to calm myself down.
The doctor came in and examined my head. No bruising, abrasions, not even a bump. He told me my blood tests came back good and that I could go home. I got dressed when the room was empty. The bruises were already forming in the crease of my arm from the IV. “That’s great.” I muttered to myself. “What is?” a voice said. I turned around quickly to see Nevaeh standing against the wall by the door. I hadn’t heard her come in. “Nothing, just got a bruise from the stupid IV. I hate those things. I always end up bruised.” I said to her with a monotone voice.
As I walked out of the door from the hospital I noticed that Dustin wasn’t around. “Where’s Dustin?” I asked Nevaeh. “I have no idea. He said he was going to talk to your doctor and he would meet us at the car. That was about ten minutes ago though so I’m not sure.” she replied. “Well, I guess we should wait for him in the car. I have a key to it so we should be able to get into it. I wonder what he had to ask my doctor.”
When we reached his car I unlocked it. Nevaeh opened the passenger door for me and then got into the back seat. I sat there and sat there. All the time my mind raced around so many thoughts. Where was Dustin? What had he needed to ask the doctor about that I couldn’t know about? Is he okay?
Dustin walked out of the hospital door swiftly. He climbed into the drivers seat and pulled me to him. My mind went blank at once. This love was intoxicating. Right now it was overpowering my every sense. I breathed in the connection between our hearts like it was fresh air. I had to let go soon but I didn’t want to. The urge to get to my house so I didn’t have to let go took over my reluctant feelings. I dropped my embrace. “Let’s go home.” I said. “Are you going to your house Nevaeh or are you coming with us to Claire’s?” Dustin asked. “I think I will go home tonight. Claire, tomorrow we should spend some girl time together. Are you up for that?” “Sure, that sounds fantastic.” I replied.
When we arrived at Nevaeh’s house she climbed out and opened my door. I got out and was attacked with the longest hug of my life. I told her that I would call her later and then I climbed back into the car. Dustin gave Nevaeh a quick hug and then we were off. The road’s we icy tonight. Dustin mentioned something about putting chains on the tires before I drove again.
When I opened my front door my little brother and his girlfriend were there. He ran to me and hugged me tightly. This was the first time he had hugged me in months. “What’s wrong Marcus? Are you alright? Is it mom or grandma? Is Katie okay?” I started spitting out questions so fast that he shook me until I calmed down. “Are you ok? I was worried sick about you. Everyone is fine. I didn’t call mom because I didn’t want her to panic. Katie is fine also. She is just a little upset right now because no one knew what had happened to you. Are you okay?” he stammered out almost as fast as I had been spitting questions out. “I’m fine, honestly. I passed out in second block and they only took me to the hospital because they thought I might have had a concussion but I don’t. I’m completely fine little bro. Don’t worry. Breathe. Now where’s Katie?” I asked quickly. I didn’t want her too upset. “I’m in here.” she called from the kitchen. I went quickly to the kitchen and hugged her neck. She sighed with relief and then took my face in her hands. “Don’t do that to me and Marcus ever again. I love you like you were my own sister okay. I may be younger than you but I care about you hun and I don’t want you hurt. Next time have Dustin let someone know so we don’t have to hear it from teachers.” Katie said. I looked her in the eyes and nodded. Then I hugged her once more.
Marcus and Katie staid at the house for a little while longer and then Katie reminded him that it was almost time for supper at her house. We exchanged hugs and then they left. Dustin pulled me to the couch and cuddled me up to him. I stayed there for a while, listening to the silence that surrounded us. Then I remembered the questions I had wanted to ask him earlier.
“What did you have to talk to my doctor about?” I asked innocently. “I just had a few questions, nothing really. I was just curious about a few things. That’s all.” He said coolly
