“and it’s  killing me, and I, I’m starting to see, maybe we’re not meant to be.”

<3 Theory of a Dead Man

April tells me that I’m making a pretty big mistake, pushing him away. I am, I know I am. I have to though. What she doesn’t get is that I just don’t feel like I’m worth his time. She say’s I’m taking choice away from him by cutting him out of my life. Am I? Am I really taking away his ability to choose whether he wants to deal with me or not? In a way, I guess I am. I just don’t want to hurt him. I can’t because he doesn’t deserve all the bullshit I have going on right now. You would think everyone would be happy. I am trying to think about others. I’m putting someone else’s feelings before my own. Is that such a bad thing? I guess my look at things is as fucked up as most people say. Meh, I just feel like I’m cutting part of myself out doing this. It’s for the best though. Until he says that it’s worth it, I will do what ever I have to to keep myself from him. I’m done being a source of stress.

And then, there’s her. She’s leaving. I know that if I don’t push her away to, I’ll just make her feel worse about having to leave. She doesn’t need that. I know she is making the best decision. I’m just going to miss her. More than miss her. I just don’t want to make her sad about it. So in order to keep her from hurting more, once again, I’ll have to hurt her but it will pass quicker than if I stick around and it come’s out later.

I wrote Russel a letter the other day. I’m not sure if I’m going to give it to him. I just want him to know how fucking bad he messed me up. I want him to know that he is fucking sick and needs to get help. I want him to know how he has made me and all the other girls he has done this too feel. How fucked up we are because he has some sick and twisted bullshit in his head. I want him to know that I’m so fucking tired of it replaying over and fucking over. I want him to remember it just as vividly as I do, and I want him to suffer for it just as much as I have and still do everyday. I want him to go through all I’vebeen through and see what he has done. I doubt he is capable of that.

I’m trying to find a new way to deal with things. Ever since I moved to clover, I haven’t cut. I haven’t gotten high. Writing isn’t working. Poetry doesn’t help. Talking just causes me to say too much and then I’m more down than I was before. I don’t know what to do to help pull myself up when I get so low. Or to pull myself down when the mania kicks in.

My family, well, things aren’t seeming to get very far but at least I can have civil conversations with my mother and father now. I wish I could open myself up completely and just let them pear into myself and see what’s all going on. Let them get a full understanding of what’s happening. I can’t tell them because my words come out wrong. I end up getting upset and frustrated and I feel like it’s just not worth it.

I’m starting to feel semi-human again. I guess that’s a good sign. I actually want human contact lately. Only thing that sucks about coming back to a normal human state after what happened, is that I have to feel again. I have to feel emotions I blocked out for a month and it’s like opening up an old wound. The pain feels as fresh as the day it happened. I think that’s another reason I’m having so much trouble dealing with my emotions for him and her and them and why I just want to fucking destroy Russel like he did me. I also think that’s another reason I’m pushing so much. I don’t know how to handle all this feeling. It’s like brand new to me even though I have felt emotions from birth. When you numb yourself to certain things for a period of time, you will never expect the newness of them tghat they bring when something makes you feel again. I crave contact. I crave hugs and touches. I never thought I would want this again. It’s fucking with me pretty bad. I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with this.

Hali Heartbeat.

1 month and five days ago, my life was changed. 1 month and 6 days ago, my mother kicked me out of the house. 1 month and 5 days ago, everything I ever knew was taken away from me. my light, my happiness, myself. I cant remeber who I was before.  he swiftly came in and destroyed my world. and now that I am left here, in the ruins of what he left behind, I cant get any of it back. I asked for help, trusted him, let him into my life, and he stole everything from me. left me numb and empty. left me with nothing to feel but hurt and disgust. swince that day, most people have thought I have went off the deep end. I probably have. You can thank him, for tearing me into nothing but unfixable broken pieces. before that night, I probably would have tried to go home. Probably would have tried to fix things with my parents. I would have never hurt all the people around me. But I didnt. instead, I tried to go home after that and my parents didnt care about me or what had happened. Didnt care about what he did to me. Instead, I hurt my best friends in the most terrible ways. Some ways even they dont know about. Instead, I choose to let him control every decision I make, everywhere I go. I live and make my choices through fear instead of naturak thoughts. I look over my shoulder when I walk, hoping that he wont be there. I hate myself, my body, everything about me. I feel sick when people hug me, touch me, even get close to me. I cant be normal anymore. I dont remember what that is.  So thank you. Thank you very much for turning me into this shell of a person. there’s nothing fucking magickal about you. as to everyone else, you can thank him for this. you can thank him for all of it.  He is why I am so fucked up now. Before, we all got along. we were all okay. now, after that night. now we are all broken in terms of connection. I am broken in every aspect of the word. Thanks to him.

He took every fucking thing from me. and Im tired of fucking fighting.

Im sitting here, at Eliza’s house, thinking about the feelings I hgave and how I ucking hate them. I love a boy, who thinks I look at him as nothing but a friend now. Im loved by a girl, whose world means more to me than myy own. I hate that no matter how hard I try to get over the hurt that has been inflicted, injected, branded into my min, heart and soul, I can’t get what happened out of my head.  I am giving up on love. I cant have who I want and I cant be with the ones that want me. I know that my love for this boy can never happen. He doesnt even see that my feelings are as strong as they are. Maybe that’s for the best. That way, no one gets hurt. I don’t handle rejection well lately.  My heart is tied in knots over all this shit. It’s not my feelings I am worried about at this point. Me loving this person would hurt someone else I hold dearly to my hear. I just….ugh. I want what I can’t have and I have what I don’t truely want. Love just isn’tcut out for me I guess. Oh well, at this point, it is obviously for the best interest of us all. Im too destructive for anyone.

My birthday is next wednesday. I’m in the 11th grade. I’m dating T.J. Bilbo.

Life is good. I’m signing up for the navy on my birthday too. and on the weekend afterwards when I celebrate, I am so partying!

The best summer of my life to say the least. Why yes, I am very happy. Happy 4th…..5th? lol anyways, so much new stuff happening lately. I guess to start I have to say that life is excelent. Im healthy, happy, loved, happy some more, and I am actually living my life to the fullest and not shutting myself away from the world. 

I went to this bad ass 4th of July party. We grilled and shot fire works (exploding money LOL) and had a great time.  

For some of you who dont know and to get on to the new stuff going on I am in “round two” as I call it with my relationship with Tristan. Second time dating him and things are much easier this go around. Im very happy.

I have a social life now!!!!!!

anyways, Im so tired I am going cross eyed

much love,

Hali Heartbeat!

“I’d sing to you just one more time. A song for a heart so big, God couldn’t let it live. May angels lead you in.”

<33 Jimmy Eats World

Happy Easter everyone (:

Today went exceptionally well. One minor incident with my mother but other than that it went well. It’s one day shy of a month sinse I posted last.  Not much has been happening really. I have gotten a lot of information from Winthrop. That’s were I’m headed after high school. I am very happy with that. I am very happy in general. Single as always. lol. thats not a bad thing though because I never have time to do anything with anyone anymore. Im really excited about it being spring break though. I may actually get out of the house for a bit.

I would post more but I have some serious A.D.D. going on right now and I am going to go post the links to this blog and then I am going to try to work on my book sinse I keep getting distracted by it.

(: Happy Holidays

they tend to come back when you least expect it

so yeah

Im not sure how or if I will approach her

but I am definatly thinking about it

xD

wish me luck

you have to be the loudest

tommorow, everything might change

life may be harder or easier

planets might become inline with the sun

the world may find peace

or someone may learn to do a math problem they couldnt before

no matter how small or big the change is

it can have a lifetime affect

think about that next time you make a decision

I thought I might get one more chance to be with you.

I thought I might have one more chance to see her.

I thought I would have one more chance to say I love you.

I thought I might have one more chance to spend time with you.

I thought I might get one more chance to appologize.

I thought I might get one more chance to hear your laughter.

I thought I might get one more chance to do alot of things.

see what people dont get about chances is that they are exactly that. you always have a 50/50 chance. you might get your way. you might not. when your too late to take your chance you are left with regret. left with unsaid words.

I spend my nights talking to those I thought I might get one more chance to talk tothrough praying. I spend my days having constant reminders of their memory. the hurt caused by thinking you have one more chance when you dont is very hard to move past.

I thought I might get one more chance to say goodbye.

I didnt. I never said goodbye to any of them.

Atleast not how I wanted to. so dont think you have one more chance. you might now.

I thought I might get one more chance.

She’s beautiful in her simple little way
She don’t have too much to say when she gets mad
She understands she don’t let go of anything
Even when the pain gets really bad
Guess I should’ve been more like that

You had it all for a pretty little while
And some how you made me smile when I was sad
You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart
Then you realized you wanted what you had
I guess I should’ve been more like that

I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserved
I guess I should’ve been more like her

Forgiving you, she’s stronger than I am
You don’t look much like a man from where I’m at
It’s plain to see desperation showed it’s truth
You love her and she loves you with all she has
I guess I should’ve been more like that

I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserverd
I guess I should’ve been more like her

She’s beautiful in her simple, little way

<3 Miranda Lambert.

This song…God this song hits home in so many ways.