The script in makings

I will not bow, I will not break.

Hali Heartbeat — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 05:43:07 +0000

Today was absolutly great. I hung out with Victor until 4. Then I came home and rearranged the rooms. And for some reason, my entire day was rather light and happy. It’s been a while since I have felt this content with the way things are.

Thursday is my Evaluation for therapy. After that I have a hearing in january and then, if they decide I need therapy, I’ll start at Catawba Mental Health. Fun! Eh, it could be worse though. They could be trying to hospitalize me. I’m okay with Therapy. I’m okay with medication. I am not okay, however, with hospitalization. Hell no sir!.

After my last blog, I spent most of the next few days trying to keep the pain down as much as possible. I’m glad it finally let up some.

I also have some really good news. Russel’s gone. Left the state. Hopefully for good. My friend shane, who got arrested, is out for now. Hopefully they will give him a slap on the wrists and maybe a little fine and some probation and community survice.

I find that I am learning more and more about who I am, this person I have become. Everyday things get somewhat clearer.

Anyways, I’m out. Night<3

Hospital walk the and back adventure

Hali Heartbeat — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 22:25:01 +0000

Last night I went on a hospital adventure. I had been hurting for a bit and then it got horrible around the time I was going to bed. I had gotten upset and the pain got worse. It got to the point that I almost blacked out everytime I stood up. So april got me to take a HOT HOT bath. Trying to relieve the muscles. When that didnt work I knew april was right. I needed to go to the ER. So When her parents got home, she packed me up in the truck and got me to Piedmont.

When I got there, Aprils dropped me off so i didnt have to walk so far and I went in and let the woman at the desk know what was going on. I let her know that over roughly the past 4 months I’ve either had no period or only spotted lightly for a day or two. I also let her know that I had endometrosis and an ovarian cycst. They checked me in, did the normal routien and finally got me in a room. That’s when the adventure for april and my walk through hell started.

They told me that they had to do an external ultrasound, pelvic exam and pain pills. See the funny part about this is that they gave me pain pills for two reasons. One being the pain of coarse. And the other was because as soon as they said pelvic exam, I almost had a breakdown. I told april I would suffer through the pain and that I wanted to go home. When I explained to the doctor that I was raped and that I didn’t want a pelvic exam because it wigged me out, they brought me two vicodin only a few minutes later. I prepared myself for that. I was completely ready only to find out that the pelvic exam cart was in use and that that meant I had enough time to calm down a bit more and that I would go get external ultra sounds done first.

This was when I think god decided to literally try to push me to breaking. I went in there under the knowledge that I was getting ONLY an external ultrasound. I had not prepared myself to not freak out for anything else. Then, after the external which already made me uncomfortable, they said that in order to get a better idea of what was wrong with me and causing me to hurt so bad, they would have to do an internal ultrasound. I flipped
I cried like a big baby, I mean fucking lost it crying through the entire time. No one had let the ultrasound tech know that I was a delicate patient.

So I come out of there and I mean, April thought I was going in for only external as well so I told her I would be fine. When I got back to the room and was balling as bad as I was, she thought I was going to need heavy sedation. I finally get in there and I lay down and I try to calm down and I almost get calmed down when they bring in the pelvic exam table. I can’t feel anything because the vicodin was hitting me hard. I could still feel emotions though and obviously I was trippin bad because I got even more upset. It took them literally 20 minutes to get me to lay still and another 40 or so just to get me to stop crying long enough to get my heart rate and blood pressure down. Then, we the exam took place, I pretty much blacked out from the stress on my heart due to my intence hysteria.

When I came to and it was over, I sat there and after aprils attempts to find out what I was thinking had failed I decided maybe talking would help. Instead, I went off into everything. Details to blame about that night. I felt like if I had listened to Justin or Eliza or Victor, that I wouldn’t have been through that shit in the first place.

Once everything was done, we waited on all my results to come in. Finally at 4 AM, we got the news that my endometreosis was really fucking bad. I have cycsts on my left overie as well as my right now and They are pretty big which is what’s causing my sever pain.

At 4:30 they came in gave me a prescription, a few shots, one of which was daloted. Greatest pain killer of my life. I littereally could not feel ANYTHING.
So me and april went to wal greens, filled my script, I got wheeled around everywhere in the hospital and then, to top the night off, on our way home we hit a deer and I threw up twice.

Trust you. Trust me.

Hali Heartbeat — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 19:05:17 +0000

Things are changing. When you leave, I’ll be a memory stored in your mind that will fade over time. You aren’t coming back and once you’re gone, things won’t be the same. I leave you in the dark, only because the truth of some tings would push you away. and even if you are “too nice” you would never forgive me. So no, you don’t want in my head. Silly girl, I’m the bad guy that shouldn’t be trusted. Not you.

On another note, I finally have the ability to take control again. I’m not going to be his friend with benifits. He knows my heart and how much of it he holds, and yet he still tampers with it any chance he gets. Even if he isn’t meaning to. So instead of just letting it happen, I’m backing away until he gets the point. It’s starting out suttle. But the suttle changes are usually the most noticiable. Maybe it will open his eyes a bit. See, he can’t come around and act how he does and expect me not to be hurt when he pulls away. I’m sorry that I can’t take my emotions out of the equation everytime he gets in one of his “moods”. I’m tired of hurting over him.

New people in my life are making things a little bit easier though. There’s one person I can be around and completely forget everyone else around me. I’m really glad April introduced us. He is adorable (:

hehehe

I can’t give you what you want

Hali Heartbeat — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 15:34:21 +0000

“and it’s killing me, and I, I’m starting to see, maybe we’re not meant to be.”

<3 Theory of a Dead Man

April tells me that I’m making a pretty big mistake, pushing him away. I am, I know I am. I have to though. What she doesn’t get is that I just don’t feel like I’m worth his time. She say’s I’m taking choice away from him by cutting him out of my life. Am I? Am I really taking away his ability to choose whether he wants to deal with me or not? In a way, I guess I am. I just don’t want to hurt him. I can’t because he doesn’t deserve all the bullshit I have going on right now. You would think everyone would be happy. I am trying to think about others. I’m putting someone else’s feelings before my own. Is that such a bad thing? I guess my look at things is as fucked up as most people say. Meh, I just feel like I’m cutting part of myself out doing this. It’s for the best though. Until he says that it’s worth it, I will do what ever I have to to keep myself from him. I’m done being a source of stress.

And then, there’s her. She’s leaving. I know that if I don’t push her away to, I’ll just make her feel worse about having to leave. She doesn’t need that. I know she is making the best decision. I’m just going to miss her. More than miss her. I just don’t want to make her sad about it. So in order to keep her from hurting more, once again, I’ll have to hurt her but it will pass quicker than if I stick around and it come’s out later.

I wrote Russel a letter the other day. I’m not sure if I’m going to give it to him. I just want him to know how fucking bad he messed me up. I want him to know that he is fucking sick and needs to get help. I want him to know how he has made me and all the other girls he has done this too feel. How fucked up we are because he has some sick and twisted bullshit in his head. I want him to know that I’m so fucking tired of it replaying over and fucking over. I want him to remember it just as vividly as I do, and I want him to suffer for it just as much as I have and still do everyday. I want him to go through all I’vebeen through and see what he has done. I doubt he is capable of that.

I’m trying to find a new way to deal with things. Ever since I moved to clover, I haven’t cut. I haven’t gotten high. Writing isn’t working. Poetry doesn’t help. Talking just causes me to say too much and then I’m more down than I was before. I don’t know what to do to help pull myself up when I get so low. Or to pull myself down when the mania kicks in.

My family, well, things aren’t seeming to get very far but at least I can have civil conversations with my mother and father now. I wish I could open myself up completely and just let them pear into myself and see what’s all going on. Let them get a full understanding of what’s happening. I can’t tell them because my words come out wrong. I end up getting upset and frustrated and I feel like it’s just not worth it.

I’m starting to feel semi-human again. I guess that’s a good sign. I actually want human contact lately. Only thing that sucks about coming back to a normal human state after what happened, is that I have to feel again. I have to feel emotions I blocked out for a month and it’s like opening up an old wound. The pain feels as fresh as the day it happened. I think that’s another reason I’m having so much trouble dealing with my emotions for him and her and them and why I just want to fucking destroy Russel like he did me. I also think that’s another reason I’m pushing so much. I don’t know how to handle all this feeling. It’s like brand new to me even though I have felt emotions from birth. When you numb yourself to certain things for a period of time, you will never expect the newness of them tghat they bring when something makes you feel again. I crave contact. I crave hugs and touches. I never thought I would want this again. It’s fucking with me pretty bad. I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with this.

Hali Heartbeat.

1 month and 5 days

Hali Heartbeat — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:05:22 +0000

1 month and five days ago, my life was changed. 1 month and 6 days ago, my mother kicked me out of the house. 1 month and 5 days ago, everything I ever knew was taken away from me. my light, my happiness, myself. I cant remeber who I was before. he swiftly came in and destroyed my world. and now that I am left here, in the ruins of what he left behind, I cant get any of it back. I asked for help, trusted him, let him into my life, and he stole everything from me. left me numb and empty. left me with nothing to feel but hurt and disgust. swince that day, most people have thought I have went off the deep end. I probably have. You can thank him, for tearing me into nothing but unfixable broken pieces. before that night, I probably would have tried to go home. Probably would have tried to fix things with my parents. I would have never hurt all the people around me. But I didnt. instead, I tried to go home after that and my parents didnt care about me or what had happened. Didnt care about what he did to me. Instead, I hurt my best friends in the most terrible ways. Some ways even they dont know about. Instead, I choose to let him control every decision I make, everywhere I go. I live and make my choices through fear instead of naturak thoughts. I look over my shoulder when I walk, hoping that he wont be there. I hate myself, my body, everything about me. I feel sick when people hug me, touch me, even get close to me. I cant be normal anymore. I dont remember what that is. So thank you. Thank you very much for turning me into this shell of a person. there’s nothing fucking magickal about you. as to everyone else, you can thank him for this. you can thank him for all of it. He is why I am so fucked up now. Before, we all got along. we were all okay. now, after that night. now we are all broken in terms of connection. I am broken in every aspect of the word. Thanks to him.

He took every fucking thing from me. and Im tired of fucking fighting.

Giving up on love?

Hali Heartbeat — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 01:34:47 +0000

Im sitting here, at Eliza’s house, thinking about the feelings I hgave and how I ucking hate them. I love a boy, who thinks I look at him as nothing but a friend now. Im loved by a girl, whose world means more to me than myy own. I hate that no matter how hard I try to get over the hurt that has been inflicted, injected, branded into my min, heart and soul, I can’t get what happened out of my head. I am giving up on love. I cant have who I want and I cant be with the ones that want me. I know that my love for this boy can never happen. He doesnt even see that my feelings are as strong as they are. Maybe that’s for the best. That way, no one gets hurt. I don’t handle rejection well lately. My heart is tied in knots over all this shit. It’s not my feelings I am worried about at this point. Me loving this person would hurt someone else I hold dearly to my hear. I just….ugh. I want what I can’t have and I have what I don’t truely want. Love just isn’tcut out for me I guess. Oh well, at this point, it is obviously for the best interest of us all. Im too destructive for anyone.

School and change

Hali Heartbeat — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 14:31:02 +0000

My birthday is next wednesday. I’m in the 11th grade. I’m dating T.J. Bilbo.

Life is good. I’m signing up for the navy on my birthday too. and on the weekend afterwards when I celebrate, I am so partying!

summer, love, what more to ask for?

Hali Heartbeat — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 05:53:17 +0000

The best summer of my life to say the least. Why yes, I am very happy. Happy 4th…..5th? lol anyways, so much new stuff happening lately. I guess to start I have to say that life is excelent. Im healthy, happy, loved, happy some more, and I am actually living my life to the fullest and not shutting myself away from the world.

I went to this bad ass 4th of July party. We grilled and shot fire works (exploding money LOL) and had a great time.

For some of you who dont know and to get on to the new stuff going on I am in “round two” as I call it with my relationship with Tristan. Second time dating him and things are much easier this go around. Im very happy.

I have a social life now!!!!!!

anyways, Im so tired I am going cross eyed

much love,

Hali Heartbeat!

And if you were with me tonight

Hali Heartbeat — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 01:15:34 +0000

“I’d sing to you just one more time. A song for a heart so big, God couldn’t let it live. May angels lead you in.”

<33 Jimmy Eats World

Happy Easter everyone (:

Today went exceptionally well. One minor incident with my mother but other than that it went well. It’s one day shy of a month sinse I posted last. Not much has been happening really. I have gotten a lot of information from Winthrop. That’s were I’m headed after high school. I am very happy with that. I am very happy in general. Single as always. lol. thats not a bad thing though because I never have time to do anything with anyone anymore. Im really excited about it being spring break though. I may actually get out of the house for a bit.

I would post more but I have some serious A.D.D. going on right now and I am going to go post the links to this blog and then I am going to try to work on my book sinse I keep getting distracted by it.

(: Happy Holidays

old feelings?

Hali Heartbeat — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 01:06:26 +0000

they tend to come back when you least expect it

so yeah

Im not sure how or if I will approach her

but I am definatly thinking about it

wish me luck